


And the Rest of the World Falls Away

by Starkidlabs



Category: Supergirl (TV 2015)
Genre: Actual plot, Angst, Anxiety, James Olsen has hugs, M/M, Minor Injuries, Minor Violence, Mutual Pining, a lot of musical references, but then loads of end fluff, winn needs hugs
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-19
Updated: 2017-08-27
Packaged: 2018-12-04 09:52:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 30,821
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11552688
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Starkidlabs/pseuds/Starkidlabs
Summary: After Winn receives news on the most recent actions of his Supervillain father he is alone, broken and scared of what he could become. But Winn is a ship lost an ocean and James is determined to be his anchor back to land.A fic full of fluff and Angst. Winn searching for a sign that his feelings are true and James just staying by Winn's side no matter what because that's what 'friends' do.





	1. The Boat is About to Sink

The incomprehensible hum of the beaten jukebox rung through Winn's head as he tried to drown out the cheers and chatter of the drunk pundits around him. He stared deeply at the copper brown liquid which the bartender claimed to be some form of rum but the conspicuous bubbling proved otherwise. He pushed it to the side and decided today was not the day to be adventurous. As the casual noise became louder Winn could feel a knot form in the pit of his stomach. A knot he couldn't seem to untie no matter how hard he tried. A knot that nagged him and reminded him how many people there were in this bar, how many people making small fleeting judgments about his appearance or his demeanour, people he’d never seen and some he may have drunkenly said a word to once before. He felt his tongue become dry and suddenly he craved the weird alien drink. Nope Winn that would be a bad idea.

Why did he have to get here so early anyway? Well he was technically five minutes late but still his friends weren’t here. So instead he was sitting at a dimly lit bar whilst that blue alien, who he swore was called Brian, eyed him up. Passing his thumbs over one another as his leg shook with an uncontrollable passion he tried to distract his consciousness. Yes Winn your thumbs are interesting look at your uneven nails. You should really stop biting them all the time. He checked his phone quickly, there wasn’t a text from James like there wasn’t one three minutes ago. His face twitched slightly with frustration. At least maybe he could try and finish reading that article on the advancement in tri-polymer material and avoid eye contact with Brian, who he was sure had moved up a bar stall. As his thumb glided over the last paragraph he felt what seemed to be an elbow lodge itself in between his shoulder blades. He jolted forward, splashing his untouched drink slightly onto the counter.

“What the…” he muttered before he quickly glanced behind him to see the very familiar features of a blonde alien enthralled in a make out session with a short brown haired dude. “Really again?” his tone was beyond disgruntled leaning more towards angry. No not angry. Don’t get angry. Lyra pursed her lips away from the bewildered civilian number 16 to nonchalantly turn towards him.

“Oh sorry I didn’t see you there.” She pushed the guy away with a rather violent shove and stared straight at Winn with her violet enthused eyes.

“Oh yeah you didn’t see me here like you didn’t see me here the last nine times we’ve somehow simultaneously been in the bar together.” There was a slight crack in his tone as he felt himself becoming destressed. It’s not like he was having the best day to start with. Lyra’s eyebrows furrowed slightly as her lips curved into a smirk. She placed her long slender fingers onto Winn’s arm.

“Maybe it's fate.” She said leaning in closer as her hands found the way down towards his chest. With a great emphasis on not wanting that Winn pulled his arm away quickly. He became rigid as he felt his nerves climb remembering the last time they sat on stalls at the bar together. The shouting that reminded him far too much of his old foster parents and the jagged edge of a bottle inches away from his neck. They broke up so that wouldn't happen ever again.

“Lyra leave me alone.” He croaked, holding back his fear as not to cause a scene. Despite everything she knew her limits, she could feel he small shudder and see his jaw clench. Sighing she stalked towards the pool table ignoring the guy drooling over her who she had obviously just picked up to make Winn jealous. She leant casually talking to the rather muscular alien who he guessed was from Eden 7 by the secondary eyelid and the purple tint to his skin. Yet he noticed her gaze every so often fell back to him, desiring their relationship but he ignored it looked back at his phone and his lack of messages. 

Sometimes he wished he had more than five friends, but then again he was also glad his circle was so small, less awkward wine parties. It was obvious he wasn't going to receive a message unless the Scooby gang was running five hours late, yet he couldn't help refreshing his messaging system. Keeping himself fixated on something, anything but the looming fear that Lyra will try and make out with him or that Brian, who was now sitting right beside him, would soon be propositioning him. Come on James just send a poop emoji or something. 

He didn't know why exactly he was so focused on receiving a message from James, Kara and Lena were coming too, he guessed it might be because it was his name he was so used to popping up in his notifications. Maybe it was because James was his favourite person to talk to. Or maybe it was because James had just seemed to have become such a big part of his life and he felt almost incomplete without him. James was.... Suddenly Winn began to choke realising that he had downed his drink. He was way too captivated in his daydream of James and his altogether something. God it tasted like a mixture of gasoline and garlic, still not the worst thing he's ever drank. Actually somehow it tasted pretty good. Before he had a chance to order another there was a sudden volume change from the small 2000 something TV in the corner. The random cheers and green pitch from the football match faded as a smartly dressed reporter appeared behind a desk as the chime of the channel 5 news team kicked in. The voice was grave and would become fixed in the minds of everyone listening 

"Breaking news it has been reported that Winslow Schott Sr. also known as Toyman by the people of National City has reportedly taken the lives of three guards at Van Kull Maximum security prison within the last hour, causing a small prison riot to break out. He has been retained in his cell but a number of prisoners are reported missing. Live from the scene now is ..." it didn't matter Winn had already drowned out the rest of the report.

The bar somehow seemed to become simultaneously quieter and louder all at once. Winn felt a stabbing pain in his heart, the type of pain he hadn't felt for months, the type which made him want to pass out. The temperature in the room began to rise, he began to sweat and his head spun with it. The noise, the noise was too much. He couldn't take it. He really couldn't. 

"Turn that off." He shouted at the young bushy eyed barmaid who was in polite conversation with a customer. He bit down hard on his lip, he didn't mean to shout that loud. This isn't him. He didn't mean to.Her eyes pried away as she procured a disgruntled expression. She must be thinking that he was some self-entitled asshole or something. "Please?" He added as a quick after thought. She leant over and her features became more apparent in the bar light. But Winn wasn't paying attention anymore , instead he was working on not having a panic attack as a result of the more than unsettling news. In. Out. In. Out. His vision became blurred and his head was still spinning. In. Out. In. Out. 

"I'm afraid I can't do that sir." She said with a forced tone of pleasantness. 

"Winslow Schott Sr. known for the murder of half a dozen people over 15 years ago came back into the limelight as Toyman when he..." the news programme drones on and on. Not letting him forget. Bringing up everything he tried to repress, washing away every bit of happiness he had. He felt a hand slam itself on his back. He breathed heavier still. Staring at the scratch marks on the mahogany surface. It agitated him, almost crawled under his skin.

"Yeah besides Winn the game will be back on soon." Brian. Why couldn't he just leave him alone. They barely even knew each other. 

"We have confirmation that a fourth guard was critically injured in the attack." 

Why couldn't she just turn the news off? Why couldn't is dad just be a good man. He felt sick. He couldn't take it. He felt the anger boil up and his fist slam down on the hard surface echoing through the bar.

"Turn it off right now." He said through gritted teeth. He felt the hand on his back fall away as Brian jolted in his seat. The girl’s eyes dropped away from him as she screwed up her mouth in a sort of defiance before complying. Winn looked at his fist still clenched tightly. Red and hot. Filled with unjustified rage. It wasn't her fault or Brian's. It wasn't their fault that his life was like this. He slowly loosened his grip as he felt whatever was forcing these feelings out slip away. He stared at his hand for a second more. He's not his dad. He didn’t hurt anyone. That was just a normal reaction. He raised it slightly as Brian shuffled back to his original seat. Winn simply rubbed his nose with his thumb as he tried to keep tears from breaking free. He felt the hot rage sink as it was replaced with fear and regret. A frown plastered itself on to him. "I'm sorry." He croaked at the girl, who was staring at him complacently. "I’m so sorry. I didn't...” 

She just shook her head in pity and muttered "It's fine." maybe his fear registered with her, maybe he was crying, he couldn't tell. He couldn't tell anything about himself anymore. But suddenly the looming silence became apparent to him. There was no laughter in the bar, no clicks of the pool cues, but whispers and chatter. People staring or trying to act like they weren't staring. He wasn't that loud was he. Was he? He felt the dread rain down upon him. 

"Yeah that's his son. I'm sure of it." He heard a muscular man say. 

"Winn Schott. Yeah I remember Brian saying that was his name." The whispers were infuriating, insufferable. They swam around in his head. At least he hadn't caused a scene rather his dad. It was just curiosity. Nothing more. He got this loads of time at school, before the other kids would beat him up. But he wouldn't be beaten up now. No he was an adult now and that wouldn’t happen, not with all these witnesses. But every comment he heard produced a heavier weight on his shoulders. It was too hot and too crowded.

There was no text from James. He needed to go. He had to go… Before… He had to go. As he slowly turned on his bar stall and slipped down not wanting to bring more attention to himself he noticed Lyra in the corner. She wasn't scared or curious or even weirdly aroused. She was sad. She actually felt sorry for him. He thought he could see it in her eyes. Or maybe she felt sorry for herself, that she dated the son of a now nine times murderer. Even by alien standards that was bad. Yet he found himself drawn to maintaining eye contact. Despite everything she did to him maybe she'd be able to protect him in some way. Brush off that big bearded guy that he could feel watching him like a hawk. But instead she screwed up her mouth, sunk into herself slightly and turned away. Like he was the bad guy, after everything she'd put him through, he was the bad guy. Well it made sense why she'd think that. There was too fine a line between him and his dad. They we’re linked. 

He fixed his focus on the door, he'd just go home and maybe talk to Maggie in the morning. His dad was in jail and he'd be ok. He'd get questioned again probably, but he'd be ok. Everything was ok. But then his eyes flickered up from the cracked tiled floor to the doorway. James, Kara and Lena’s laughter pricked his ears. He bit hard on his gum swallowing down his pain and sadness for a moment. 

His eyes locked with James' as his bright smile that would normal make his heart melt slightly faded away. He knew something was wrong, they had spent enough time together to know when the other was hurting. His brow furrowed slightly in confusion as Kara drew her eyes away from Lena. Something registered with her too. He quickly brushed past them not wanting to make a scene. His shoulder collided with James he wasn't sure if it was intentional or not. If he was trying to subconsciously confirm his distress or if it was just an accident. 

"Winn where are you going?” James said, his voice making Winn stop in his tracks for a moment before deciding he had to keep moving. 

He mumbled a sentence along the lines of "Something came up, I need to go." But he wasn't certain if any sound actually came out at all.

"What's wrong with him?" Lena asked in a compassionate whisper. But her voice was drowned out as the TV woke up suddenly, the speakers blasting something or other that they wouldn't have paid attention to in normal circumstances. 

"That's what's wrong." Kara’s voice was strained and she covered her mouth in concern. James' eyes switched to the screen a bulletin report ran by at speed. 'Breaking news: Toyman strikes again 3 guards dead and many injured in prison Riot.' Oh no this wasn't good. James' whole body went stiff as he was overcome with a false sense of guilt and sympathy. He had been laughing this whole time none the wiser. He exchanged a worried look with Kara, Lena however held a perplexed expression.  
"What? I don't follow." 

"Toymans real name is Winslow Schott Sr." Kara placed her hand slowly on Lena’s arm as the realisation flooded into her system. 

"Oh. Oh no. I didn't realise I..." Lena knew what this felt like more than anyone. But whereas her name was constantly in the press Winn's... 

“Yeah he doesn't talk about it. For obvious reasons." James tone was bleak and angry. Angry at the news for the report, for putting it so blatantly. Angry at Winn's father, not just for his crimes but for everything he's put Winn through and everything he was still doing to him. Winn's nerves had only just began to calm. His anxiety had only just begun to lessen. He said his medication could be lowered soon. But now this. Sure Toyman would be brought to justice but that didn't bring back those men. Nor did it bring Winn out of the deep black hole of sadness and pain he must be sinking into. It would stick on his conscience even though it wasn't his fault. It would ruin him. His father would be brought to justice in the literal sense but he would never really be brought to justice, not to Winn.

"I'll go after him." Kara said heart heavy but determined. James simply shook his head and placed his hand on her shoulder. 

"No let me." Kara twisted her mouth slightly, already fired up to run after him but she cooled down looked into James' eyes. She realised that it had to be him who did this, her and Winn weren't as close as they used to be. She hated it but it was true. Whereas James was his partner in crime or vigilante justice. They spent every night together, day in and day out, and she hated to say it yet again but they were now probably closer than her and Winn had ever been. And she could see how Winn looked at James, like he was all that mattered. That he controlled the sun, moon and stars, like he was the whole world. Despite being oblivious to Winn's feelings for three years she could somehow always tell when Winn had fallen for someone else. Even if he couldn't tell it himself yet. It made her smile to think that his heart has shifted to such a good kind man. It had to be James. She nodded confirming her thoughts as James rushed out the door to Winn's aid.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I tried to portray Winns anxiety the best I could in this chapter. As someone who suffers real bad from anxiety I felt it was important for me to be able to express it through my writing and Winn is a character who I connect to having a form of anxiety in the show therefore I felt like it was a good idea to explore it a little in depth, especially in a situation like this one. I hope I do it justice.


	2. Bury me in burgandy

The street seemed overly crowded. Far more people than normal. More people who had already seen the news report. He weaved in and out, eyes down staring at his scuffed shoes, hoping he didn't suddenly crash into someone. He had thrown on his hoodie despite it being 70 degrees just to maintain a form of inclusivity. Having a hood over your head did little to hide your identity, but it made him feel safe as if he were Kara putting on her glasses, he was keeping his identity a secret. It was harder for people to see his face and harder for him to see everyone else. Easier to drown out the hustle and bustle of the city streets. His thumb fumbled over his phone as he turned up his music so he could seep into his own reality, one where his dad wasn't a murderer. But he didn't pay much attention to the words, or the beat, rather his own thoughts still took the prominent seat in his mind. Although he did have a sudden urge to moving to Mexico. To get away from it all, start anew. He skipped the song, that was a stupid idea. He swallowed hard and kept moving. Away from it all, everything and everyone. That was until he felt a hand position itself on his shoulder. He twisted around sharply, one of his ear buds fell with a form of elegance and hung over his chest. The music still blasting loud enough for him to hear a faint whisper of some off beat soundtrack. 

"Oh hey James didn't see you there." He said in too friendly a tone in attempt to not let his true emotions show. A fake glow fell around him pushed by his fake hope. But James just stared with a solemn expression examining Winn and his manner. His wavering smile, slumped shoulders and his heavy breathing. He wasn't ok. "So err you gonna say anything because I really need to get going. Places to see people to do." Even in his false happiness he fucks up his speech. He turned ready to run, or fast walk, away leave everything behind just for a moment. But James was persistent. 

" Winn stop." A mournful mumble in order to produce sympathy. He had heard that tone too often. Way too often. Too many times to count. He was sick of it. Sick of the sympathy. Sick of the assumptions. Or just sick of having to be sympathised with. He'd been getting it since he was ten, by the kinder people of course. The 'I'm so sorry I didn't know' or the 'Its ok everything will be fine' But things weren’t fine, obviously, because why the hell would he be feeling like this otherwise. Of course they were the kind people, the people who genuinely wanted to help him, be there for him or at the very least produce a sense of self-importance from their pity. That was still was better than those who scoured or who flinched away as if he and his father were the same. But it just hurt. It hurt. It hurt that James the person who he somehow found his confidence in, found his light, had to feel sympathy for him. That he looked at him with the same expression as school teachers, students, carers and Therapists looked at him. The look that Kara gave him on the balcony two years ago. None of It was James fault of course. He didn't know how somehow this all made things so much worse. He only wanted to help and of course he appreciated that, more than anything. In fact he was probably the only one who could make his heart feel lighter in a situation like this. But his lighter heart didn't outweigh his dread or self-hatred. James was his light it was weird to think and it didn’t make sense even to him but he was. And yet right now even James couldn't help him. 

"James let me go." He felt the knot in his stomach pull tighter. "Please." They had since moved to the edge of the curb allowing the busy commuters to rush past without the looks of inconvenience. 

"Winn you shouldn't be alone. Not right now." James reached out but Winn subsided. “Because trust me that would be a really bad idea.” 

"What do you know?" He mumbled. He knew he was being an asshole, he knew he was being unnecessarily rude. But he didn’t care that it was a ‘bad idea’ he just needed to be alone. Even if James just wanted to be there for him. 

They had been in this position before the standing in the street, one of them heavy hearted, who had fallen in confidence the other trying to pick them up. But back then their roles were reversed and they also had falafel. God how he wished he had some falafel right now. He remembered staring into James eyes the solemn look planted on his features instead. His own weak smile as he tried to understand James' discontent at how he was being perceived as a vigilante. He remembered looking at him, thinking to himself how in the world anyone could not see him as a hero. That James Olsen had the best heart and brightest smile out of anyone he's ever known and yet nobody ever really looked at James Olsen as they should. They never saw how truly wonderful he was. But things were different now, for him at least, James wasn't trying to convince him that he was a hero but that he wasn't a villain.

“So what? So what if it’s a bad move I’m not just going to let myself destruct in front of you.” His voice still shaking.

“Running away isn’t going to solve anything.”

“I don’t care.” Winn drew into himself, struggling to be released from James’ watchful eye. He had to leave right away and not look back.  
"Winn.” He shouted “Just listen to me." His agitation was becoming more apparent every moment. But Winn still pushed off face full of thunder. “This is getting ridiculous now.” Ridiculous really? What was ridiculous about wanting to be alone, it was the safest bet right now. He could feel all his emotions boil up in an instant. His filter broke apart and the words started spilling out as his arms flew up in distress 

"What do I have to listen to huh James? You telling me that you're sorry my dad just killed three innocent people." His voice cracked with a sense of hysteria. James' face dropped slightly as Winn was overcome with a flood of guilt. He tried to speak for a moment but his tongue got caught on something. Finally after what seemed like forever he stuttered. "Sorry... I-I didn't. I-.. Please just go. I don't want you to see me like this." There was a certain strain in his voice But James didn't go instead he stayed firmly in his place.  
"See you like what?" 

“Like this." He almost shouted before clasping his mouth shut and changing to a whisper “Angry. Really really angry." James was no longer confused and instead slightly more understanding, he gave a weak smile.

"Winn being angry is perfect natural reaction in a situation like this." 

"Not for me. Never for me." There was a forceful amount of emphasis on the 'never', it was like he was clenching on to something in the back of his mind. Something barely even there but something that convinced him that as long as he stayed positive, stayed calm, didn't get angry that he would be fine. That he wouldn't snap. That he wouldn't become his dad. 

“Look I understand that …." James tried to keep it calm and collected but the tone of cockiness to his speech wasn’t helping. He wasn’t listening. This time Winn shouted. He couldn't help it but he shouted. 

"Don't say you understand James because... because you don't understand ok?" He felt like an asshole, James was only trying to help. His arms rose trying to find a sensual way to convey his emotions before lowering his voice. "Your father he was a great man. He died a hero and he still is a hero. You looked up to him and did everything to become a hero just like him and you did. I'm proud of it. But me. My dad... my dad..." He half chocked not being able to bring himself to say the words. "Just killed three more innocent people. Innocent people with families and full lives ahead of them. I can never look up to him or even think of him. I can never let this pure rigid anger out otherwise I’m on that slippery slope to becoming exactly like him. I mean to have the capability, he always said I did. And it would be so easy, so easy.” He paused and swallowed the tears. He wasn’t going to cry not over his father not again. “And then I’d lose you.” He bit done on his lip and felt the tension in his body increase. That thought was almost so unbearable that it slipped off his tongue without him really registering it first. “Lose everyone. So no I can’t let myself be angry not like this not even for a moment. I can’t be like him.” suddenly James reached out his hand and grabbed onto his. It was just a gesture of comfort nothing else but for a split second it felt like so much more. He wanted to hold on forever allowing James’ kindness to wash away his hate. But instead he fought against his heart preferring to drown in his sorrows than let anyone else get hurt because of what he would surely become. By the time he had slipped his hand out of the firm grip, James looked almost wounded as if he had come to some realisation that Winn really did not want him to come to. That maybe he had been right about his connections with his father.

“Winn you’re not going to become like him.” He said weakly. Not sure if his words were having any effect. 

“People really need to stop saying that.” He laughed a little. Laughter is the best medicine or just another shitty coping mechanism.

“Well it’s the truth." this time James seemed to be more decisive more clear. 

Suddenly the thought came to Winn, the thought that James looked defeated not because he was scared of his anger, not that he was seeing the Toyman in him for the first time but rather that he could finally see how far he had sunken, that he was drowning in these thoughts and there was little hope for a rescue. That this wasn’t just another bump in the road of the broken up highway Winn called a life rather a whole gorge. That this wasn’t even like the time his dad escaped from prison because at least then he had been stopped before he could hurt anyone else. No this was so much worse. This was the crack in the ship he needed to be lost forever. To lose James forever because he really didn’t know. Didn’t know how it felt to be so afraid of his father or of himself.

“How do you know it’s the truth James? How?” his voice cracked still grasping firmly to the belief that he wasn’t going to cry. He had to leave now. Escape from this whole situation whether or not he just wanted to hug James and say sorry. Whether or not James wanted to be the incredible knight in shining armour he just couldn’t be not right now.  
Winn clenched his jaw and allowed himself to breathe drawing his eyes away from James once again because he was sure if he looked for too long he’d stay. Instead he stuck out his arm over the edge of the road. A taxi stopped with a grinding halt next to him as he dug into the pocket of his jeans producing a single key.  
“I’m sure Lena will help you out tonight.” He muttered throwing it somewhere in James’ general direction still hot with rage but an overwhelming sadness trickling in every second. He maintained focus and a blank face, before clambering into the cab and shooting off, not brave enough to look back.

 

The journey seemed longer, somehow complete silence was worse than his normal awkward stranger chatter. That surprised him in all honesty. But he still had a plan, watch Netflix, something funny something that made him laugh, maybe a stupid cartoon. He had a frozen pizza and a couple of beers too. He needed to take his mind off of the whole situation. The whole situation was more of a morning thing.

He slowly opened the door to his apartment and quickly slammed it behind him. So no one could hear. So no one had a chance of accidentally showing up with a six pack or a movie saying my condolences that your father is an evil asshole. But the house was dark and quite. He turned towards the TV and saw the remote on the coffee table, alone. He looked towards the freezer and suddenly he wasn’t hungry. It was so dark and quiet. So dark. Why did it have to be so dark? He tried to swallow down his emotions again but he was too weak. He had no energy left. No energy from the shouting or the shock or the anger. So much anger. Unable to stay strong, unable to do the one thing he promised himself he wouldn’t do Winn began to slide down against the door. He crumpled on the floor and placed his head in his arms. The tears broke free, not only broke free but ran out as fast as they could. Like a sudden burst of a dam something he couldn’t control. Something that would surely bring him under with it. He just kept crying as the room turned to pitch black. His father was a bad man he admitted that to himself at the age of ten. He had admitted that his mother would never come back for him. And that he would never have a normal life. But what he had never truly admitted was that he did have that anger inside him. That pure aggressive anger that made him want to seek revenge for those guards. The anger that made him hate his dad more than he thought was ever possible, for ruining the lives of so many people. Leaving so many lives in tatters and broken memories. For proving that he didn’t have an ounce of compassion left. He hated him for ruining his own life too. For making him so he was scared to introduce himself just in case someone recognised the name. For forcing him into an unstable home. For taking away every bit of confidence he had. For taking away the belief that he could be a good person. That even when someone says it plainly to him he can’t believe them. For making him shut out someone he cared so much about. Someone he loves with everything he’s got. James’ blank and solemn features still prominent in his mind. 

But then again his father was his father and they had the same genes. Maybe it was for the best, cutting James off now. It would never have worked. Not when he was the son of a murderer and James was nothing but a hero. It was never meant to last. Their partnership. He was never destined to be a hero that was always James and Kara’s and J’onn’s and Alex’s path. He wasn’t a hero and perhaps that’s was for the best. It was a good thing that he drove James away. Before he had a chance to hurt him.  
He could feel his nose grow sore and his cheeks remain cool after he had run out of tears. His sleeves were damp but he still rested his head upon them not wanting to look up still not wanting to face the dark empty apartment alone. Then suddenly his phone buzzed. Not his normal phone, no he had turned that off hours ago. He didn’t want to see the sympathy messages right now. He didn’t want to be asked if he was ok and he didn’t want to be reminded that everyone else knew about the story. That it wasn’t some exclusive bulletin that only he had heard. This was the phone he used for ‘work’ with James.

He lifted his head up slightly and pushed his palm against his nose. Before clumsily pulling the old beaten phone from his pocket. As he clicked the home button the light produced a warming yet surprising glow to the room. Winn squinted at the luminescence slightly allowing his vision to refocus before reading the message that was only one line. Yet it somehow made him break into tears again. But not tears of pain but something else.

‘You’re never going to lose me.’

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry if theres loads of mistakes in this chapter ive been stuck in a real depressive rut these past 4 days and haven't really had time to check through anything but I hope you enjoy it sorry for the angst and cheese.


	3. Low in the water and nowhere to go

The keyboard clicked away its usual pattern and there was the regular pile of work beside him. Everything seemed so... so normal? People weren't staring and there weren't careless whispers looming in the air. Maybe the agents had had a briefing on not what to say in front of a man whose father had made his annual appearance on the news. In general he was calmer. Not exactly relaxed but he wasn't as agitated as he was yesterday. The anger was still there, he could still feel it trying to claw its way out but it had been beaten back by a lie in and time to compose and recollect his thoughts. But he remained focused on his work, he didn't pry his eyes away from the computer screen nor did he do his daily rounds of stealing one of Vasquez’s donuts or telling Agent Daniels a really bad joke. Instead he remained quiet maybe too quiet. But at least he had subdued his feelings just enough so he could work, he'd faced this before he could face it again. He wasn't a kid anymore. 

"Hey, is everything ok?" Alex's voice broke Winn from his work filled trance. 

"Fine and dandy." He replied with little meaning to his tone. His eyes didn't shift from the screen instead stayed fixated on writing a line of code. Code was so much easier to deal with than emotions, so much more straight forward. He felt so fragile at that moment, like he could break into tears at any moment but he knew he wouldn't. There was no need to. 

"I bought you some coffee" she smiled to herself. Winn decided that it would be a good idea not to be rude, especially not to Alex who could break his pinkie within a second. 

Twisting around on his spiny chair he looked up at Alex and gave some sorry excuse of cheer. The coffee was steaming and actually smelled pretty good considering it came from the crappy coffee machine that had somehow managed to survive every single attack on the DEO in the past few years. It was also in one of those DEO mugs which Winn had been planning to smuggle home for a while now. 

"Alex Danvers trusting me with coffee that's new" he grinned, he wasn't sure if it was genuine or not but the gesture certainly hadn't made him feel worse about himself. 

"I thought you liked coffee" she stared down at it for a second as if it had suddenly changed its content.

"I do but usually the Danvers don't trust me and caffeine." He reached up, it seemed Alex had gripped on slightly firmer as she registered Winn's comment remembering her past stance. But he eventually yanked it out of her hand despite her instant regret. The mug sent a tingling sensation through his hands and into the rest of his body. It quite literally felt like his heart was being warmed with it, the pain and the fear were still there, the cold and the dark but maybe for a split second they began to melt away. He leant lose and flared his nostrils slightly allowing the essences of the deep rich smell to gather within him. It reminded him of the coffee he’d bought in that little Italian corner shop off of Main Street, that one that gave you a free cantucci. The one he went to with James when a storm had begun to brew and they didn't really feel like it would be safe for Guardian to go out in a metal suit. The one where the waitress thought they were a couple and despite the murmurs and red cheeks it didn't seem like a terrible mistake. Well not for him anyway. 

"What are you doing?" Alex said, eyebrow raised. Winn realised how closely he was smelling the beverage.

"Errrr... seeing if you poisoned it?" Good to know he was back to his normal awkward self. Well at least when it came to doing embarrassing shit in front of Alex. 

"Right." She screwed up her mouth slightly. "Well I'm glad to see you're ok. You're coping with this whole situation really well." His heart suddenly began to beat faster as he remembered the situation he was in again. For a moment there he had suddenly forgotten everything, thought it was part of a bad dream. It didn't seem real. But the sudden realisation did little but force him to give a weak smile as he tried concentrate on his work again to stop himself from being sick. All he needed to do was concentrate on his work and everything would be ok. But he knew by saying that he would do anything but concentrate on his work. Instead he thought of James. Of course he did. James must have kept their 'conversation' a secret. No way would Alex say he was coping if she knew how he reacted last night. But why wouldn't he tell her or tell Kara, tell anyone. He acted like an asshole. He got angry, really angry. Angrier than he has been for a long time but James kept it a secret despite being at the knifes edge of his frustration. He felt the guilt consume him, James was being kind. Way too kind. He was treating him better than he deserved. And he didn't even reply to that text. How could he. How could he after James had seen him like that. Acting in a way he hated. He would have preferred for James to have told everyone rather than keep it a secret maybe then he wouldn't feel like this. Feel so guilty. Out of anyone he could've broke in front of, could've treated badly why did it have to be James. How could James still see him as even a friend when he was so much like his father? He swallowed hard and just let himself settle, slouching on his chair slightly. Now was not the time to think like this. Yet he was only annoyed at himself and even then it was just disappointment. He had to be more positive. He hadn't gone grey yet, that was a plus. And his outburst obviously hadn't drove James away and his self-restraint was actually pretty good considering everything. He wasn't a bad person. He'd helped a lot of people. He wasn't a bad person. In all honesty he wasn't sure if there was such thing as good or bad people but he kept repeating it to himself every so often as if it was his mantra. Even before what happened yesterday he would often say it to himself. Just in case. But he was fine. Right now he was fine. 

"Winn." He didn't like that. J'onn calling him anything but Agent Schott during 'office hours'. 

"Mmhm" he hummed proceeding to complete the last line of code before paying any form of real attention. He picked up his coffee cup nonchalantly and took a sip. Soon realising it had gone cold he swallowed it hard as his face screwed up slightly from the bitterness. How long had he been zoned out for? He swivelled round on his chair again this time to face J’onn towering over him, his somewhat stern expression had been replaced by one of concern. He knew exactly what was coming.

“The police department are here to see you.” Biting down on his lip Winn slowly rose from his chair, the creak seemed louder than anything else in the room at that single moment. Some people stared, others tried not to look and continued with their work whilst pricking up their ears to listen. This was the part he hated most. But the part he was most used to, he’d been doing it since he was ten.

“Ok sure. That’s fine. Hmm yep.” He croaked. He was almost scared, he didn’t know why but something about being shut in a small room with 2 or more federal officers never made him exactly comfortable. Well that was probably the case for most. But he guess it just reminded him of the worst day of his life and well that’s something nobody wants to remember. Especially when the worst day of your life was less of a broken heel and falling in mud more of your father getting arrested and your mother not being able to look at you in the same way ever again. 

A firm grip fell on his shoulder, J’onn was looking at him with a kind sympathetic smile. Winn suddenly felt a little better about the situation. He remembered after the daxamite invasion when he had just woken up from the Martian coma, he had called him papa bear. He passed it off as a joke, well at least he tried to. But at that moment J'onn had looked at him like a son. J'onn had become sort of a father figure to Winn whether he meant for it to happen or not. J’onn was an amazing man and an amazing mentor and the type of father that he used to dream of taking him away from the care home when he was younger but of course that didn’t happen. Yet he had J’onn now to somewhat guide him even if it was just in the sense of guide him home when he was drunk. But maybe it was good for him to have an ‘adult’ who at least somewhat cared about him in his life. J’onn was pretty much the substitute father of Alex and Kara and now possibly him. And hopefully he wasn’t too much of an embarrassment of a substitute kid. J’onn was a great man and didn’t deserve to lose his daughters, not the way he did. But hopefully the little family he built around him made him happier. Maybe it was good for J’onn too.

“Are you ok?” That same question. But this time he didn’t answer. “Would you like me to call someone, to meet you after?” J'onn asked.

“James.” Winn said without a moment of thought. It took him by surprise actually. How quickly he produced that answer. That he didn’t even need to process that information. Maybe it was because he still felt guilty, still had him on his mind because of that guilt. Or maybe it was just because he was his best friend. Or maybe something else.

“Ok I’ll try and get a hold of him for you.” Winn moved towards the corridor that led to the interrogation room. “Oh and Winn everything will be ok.” J’onn folded his arms reinitiating boss mode but watched Winn give him a weak smile before disappearing to face whatever waited for him.

 

He felt so small in front of these officers, so small and insignificant. And that was something considering one of them was Maggie, shed volunteered of course, she thought that a friendly face could bring comfort to him when in fact it made everything worse. That she’d remember everything he said. That he wouldn’t be able to look her in the eye without knowing she had seen him at his most vulnerable. There weren’t even stress donuts to eat. He stared down at his hands, looked at them in excruciating detail. Not really wanting to look up. He twisted his lip slightly and bit down on the inside of his cheek.

“Now we’re just going to ask a couple of quick questions, Winn, nothing too hard. We just want to make sure we understand everything that happened.” Maggie’s tone was overly sweet, different from when she questioned him about Lyra. Maybe Alex told her to go easy on him. Or maybe like everyone else she felt sorry for him. He was so tired of it.

“We’ll start with something easy.” The tall broad-shouldered man said. “Have you had any contact with your father since the toy fair incident?”

“No.” The man jotted that down, his writing seemed lazy and illegible upside down.

“Do you know if he would have contact with anyone else?”

“He wasn’t exactly the most sociable person so I don’t think so.” He said with a tinge of sarcasm. The man sighed at his response and turned to Maggie tilting his head slightly.

“Do you know what a sorrero quartz is?” Winn felt bile raise in his throat and hi stomach lurch.

“He didn’t...” his words failed to come out clearly as he violently began to twist the watch on his wrist with a form of anxiety.

“So you know what it is?” the man said plainly emotionless.

“It’s an easily ground crystal…. A whole shipment came down with a landing craft from Persephone about 2 years back. And when combined with a silver nitrate and a whole lot of inorganic salt it... it...” he began to stutter slightly. His mind unable to comprehend what his tongue wanted to spill. At least this actually brought some form of confirmation that he couldn’t truly become his father. He would never be able to do anything like this. “It can disintegrate… almost anything. Including human....” He saw Maggie swallow as if she was holding back the anger. Did she have to look at the scene or maybe she had to console their families. The other man shook his head slightly as he wiped his brow with a handkerchief.

 

“Can I ask how you know that Mr Schott?” Winn felt something shatter inside. His face dropped as his brow furrowed and he began to breathe heavier. Did they think he was guilty? Did they think that he worked with his father to do something like this? Did they really think that? It made him sick to even think of doing something like that. He could never play a part in it. He wasn’t as linked with his father as his deep rooted anxiety led him to believe if his father was capable of doing this.

“It’s listed under dangerous substances on the DEO handbook.” He threw his hands up in contempt. “Everyone here knows what it is.” His vision became blurred as the thought of him working with his father still run vividly in his head.

“I did ask 3 agents before we came in and they can all confirm this sir.” Maggie said as she turned to Winn. “We have no reason to believe you played any part in this. We are just asking questions.” Winn gave a small nod as he moved his hand to his mouth and breathed into it. Shutting his eyes as he did so.

“If it was two years ago there’s a chance he could have found a supply whilst he was out of jail.” The man added. Maggie raised her eyebrow in confirmation and scribbled it into the notebook.

“Ok we have a few more questions for you Winn.” Maggie looked up. Winn threw up his hand to show his unwilling servitude as long as he was out of there soon because god he could feel his heart becoming heavier than it had ever been. And he felt sick to the stomach. Despite what they said, their professional demeanour they still suspected him. Maybe even Maggie. Because if they didn’t think he knew something, think he was hiding something they wouldn’t be questioning him to begin with. He may have this over looming fear that he may turn into his father but he’d never aid him in anything like this. Not this. How could they even think that? Think that he’d even be able to live with himself if he’d helped a man use a weapon of such evil. The officer shifted to continue talking.

“Do you know if he would have had a chance to collect this substance when he was out of jail?”

“No.”

“Do you know if he was planning an escape?”

“No.” he was becoming agitated now.

“Do you know why he would attack those guards?”

“N... No. I don’t know anything ok? I…I-I haven’t talked to him since he escaped and even then it was against my will. I don’t know anything about him.” The man shuffled in his seat trying to keep his tact. “He’s barely even my father anymore. I don't know who he is.” He heard his voice crack and grow louder. “Now if there’s nothing else…”

“No there isn’t Winn you’re free to go.” Maggie said in a tender tone, she smiled at him but he didn’t smile back. Instead he headed to the door as quickly as possible his hand fumbling over the handle unable to gain a proper grip. In his frustration he threw it open and the door slammed against the wall. The loud bang made Winn jump slightly.  
He wanted to cry again or scream or something. Anything. Then he saw James. Leaning against the wall on the opposite side of the room, hand against the back of his head looking even more worried than Winn. Why was he so worried? Winn almost laughed to himself. Then he couldn’t help it. His legs started carrying him. He was unable to control them as he began walking at a fast pace towards James. The other man looked up at him and gave a weak smile, but he stood awkwardly, with less confidence than usual. And then Winn reached him, he stood for a moment just to appreciate that James was still here just as he promised. And he couldn’t help it. He threw his arms around James and hugged him. They’d never really hugged before. Not like this anyway. He could feel the tears boil inside him as his lip began to tremble. Although James was taken aback he didn’t let go, in fact he gripped him tighter.

“I’m so sorry James about yesterday.” He mumbled, his words not fully being able to break free because of how close he was to James chest. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to take this out on you. I’m so sorry. I’m...”

“I’m sorry too Winn.” Why was he sorry he hadn’t done anything wrong? He was only trying to help. “I pushed you too far.” Winn didn’t reply he opened his eyes from the screwed up position they were in. But he kept hugging him.

“We can’t both be sorry.” He croaked weakly with a sense of humour to his tone as he felt a tear beginning to form. James didn’t say anything in response but just moved his hand slightly up Winn’s back and rubbed him silently with his thumb. Winn felt the tension go away as he somehow managed to bury his head deeper. James knew that right now Winn didn’t need a conversation that he wouldn’t be able to convince him he wasn’t in the wrong. He just needed the support. “I’m sorry.” Winn repeated with all he had left. James lifted his hand further so it made contact with Winn’s now matted hair, he began to push his fingers through it, massaging his head. Remembering it was the type of thing his mother would do to comfort him whenever the bullies got too much for him. Winn calmed down and his tears stopped falling.

“It’s ok Winn...” James looked up and smiled to himself. “You can’t get rid of me that easily.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Im still not feeling great so haven't had the time to re-read this chapter but I hope it'll be readable.


	4. Never planned on someone like you

And James came back to his apartment. Of course he did. Well he did say he shouldn't be alone at a time like this and although he had pushed him away yesterday today he saw what a terrible idea that was. Because god it was lonely in his apartment, it was the definition of living alone. Empty takeout boxes piled on the side, mountains of clothes strewn out on the floor, the only thing that was clean was the TV screen and there was comfortable looking cat stretched out on the rug. James had been to his apartment hundreds of times before, he'd stayed over on his couch more times than he could count and for a period it really felt like he was actually living there as he had refused to go back to his flat when there was construction work on the floor above. Yet somehow looking at the room now, even though he was living in the exact same way as before,he felt embarrassed about the situation. 

"Make yourself at home." He said with a small grin on his face. He was feeling better now, well probably as good as you could be feeling in the situation he was in. James had bought him some donuts on the way home, the expensive type he couldn't normally afford daily on his DEO salary, the perfect kind to stress eat. Which made his stomach full and heart lighter. And besides maybe just having James at his side, with the confirmation that he didn't scare him away, made him happier. Maybe he wasn't as angry as he was before, the shock had settled and all that was left was the pain and the fear but he could hold that in like he had been for so many years previous. Of course he was still angry at everything his father had done, at all the destruction he had caused. But maybe that anger was lessened by guilt he felt with the new knowledge of the way his father killed those people. Rather than anger he had that feeling of nausea whenever he thought of him. But he had decided he wasn’t angry, well not at James, nor the police officers, nor his friends. The only one who was ever going to see that anger was his dad. And even then he didn't know if he'd be brave enough to let his feelings free. Maybe the only thing that remained was to just try and achieve a sense of normality before he did something stupid. He was prone to doing stupid things, especially in times of stress. And god he was stressed. Then he suddenly felt his eyes fall to James. And oh boy was he going to end up doing something stupid.

James had made his way towards the fridge and was bending down looking for something on the bottom shelf. Winn suddenly felt his eyes drawn to him, he stared for a moment and bit his lip. He suddenly felt his heart beat grow a little faster. Why was it beating faster? It was just James going through his very minimalistic, forgotten to restock, fridge. It was just James in his very tight shirt. Nope. Just a shirt. Winn rubbed the bridge of his nose to snap himself out of it.

“You know when people say make yourself at home it normal means take a seat or use the bathroom not raid through the fridge.” Winn said sarcastically but still with a form of weakness to his tone. He bent down to lean on the counter and let a stupid grin settle on his face. James shot up narrowly avoiding banging his head on the top shelf.

“I was just getting a couple of beers.”

“From my fridge…”

“I’m making myself at home, you didn’t specify I couldn’t get beer from the fridge.” He moved next to Winn and towered over him slightly, giving him one of his signature smiles. Winn shook his head as his eyes flickered up to the ceiling in fake dismay. Even his smile made his world seem so much brighter.

In a simultaneous movement they both made their way towards the sofa. Winn had started to notice things like that. How in sync their movements had become. Well they do spend a whole lot of time together, which wasn’t a bad thing in the slightest. Winn threw himself down onto his normal couch cushion causing the brown fluffy tabby cat to spring up and head into his bedroom, James’ eyes followed it closely a small smile appearing on his face. There was a softer touch when James when James sat down, he didn’t want to break Winn’s sofa as much as Winn did apparently. Silence hovered in the air as James concentrated on removing the bottle caps. Rubbing his hands over one another Winn waited anxiously for the moment to pass. The bottle was placed into his hand and he took a quick swig, swallowing hard. For some reason it tasted more bitter than usual maybe it was to compliment his mood.

“Hey.” He croaked becoming breathless suddenly. James stopped staring into space and looked at him. “Thanks for coming back with me.” He breathed heavier. “It means a lot.”

“Any time man.” James threw a hand on his back causing Winn to lurch forward slightly. He felt warmer, unable to hold back that loose feeling of joy. After swallowing his beer in an awkward manner James wiped away the access drink from his chin. “I’m surprised actually. That you asked me instead of Kara.” Wait, why was he surprised? Did he really not know how much he meant to him? And besides sure Kara was still his best friend in some ways but in others… Like if someone asked Winn who his best friend was his brain would shoot straight to Kara. But then maybe that was because he associated James with another label. What was it he called him, his brother? That was more than friend right? How could they not be best friends in some shape or form? Besides they pretty much spend every night together anyway, it wouldn’t have felt right going the whole night without James close to him. Wait no Winn that sounds weird.

“Kara’s out on some mission or other with Clark right now. I mean it must be big if superman needed help. She called me to apologise, gave me one of her ‘pep talks’” he quoted with his fingers sarcastically. “Said to call if I wanted to see her.” He shrugged his shoulders and drunk some more of his beer. At least he couldn’t have Kara’s puppy eyes looking at him like they did last time round.

“Oh right, cool.” James twisted his mouth slightly. Wait was he disappointed at that response or was he just imagining things through exhaustion. There was a longer pause.

“But you were my first choice anyway.” Winn whispered as he tried to play it off cool but that was anything but cool. That was embarrassing .Yet he swore he saw James smile to himself.

“Do you still want to see her?" James wrapped both hands around his bottle shuffling slightly to face Winn directly.

“Huh?” Winn had zoned out for a moment, staring loosely into James’ eyes.

“See Kara? I’m sure she’d be here in a flash.” 

The corners of Winn's mouth suddenly curved up. "I think you’ve got her confused with Barry Allen.”

“No if I was talking about Barry I’d say he’d be here in a blur.” James leant back and allowed himself to chuckle. Winn watched his chest raise up and down it was almost as mesmerising as his laugh was infectious. Yet somehow he still couldn’t bring himself to laugh, it hurt too much. To be laughing with the knowledge that there was probably going to be little kid thrown into the same position as he was because of a single act by his father.

“Anyway.” Winn dimmed the mood. “I think I need space right now. Kara probably does too.”

“What do you mean?” James sat up straight and stared intensely into Winn’s eyes. He would normally get lost in them but not right now.

"It's just not very good press for supergirl to be hanging out with Toyman Jr." he took another chug of his drink and this time swished it in his mouth before swallowing. It was stupid logic, but somehow it made sense to him. 

"Really Winn?" It seemed like James was disappointed in his response. Winn shrugged, his face showed no real expression. "To begin with it’s unlikely anyone's going to see her with you. The only time you were mentioned being with her was at the toy convention." 

"Yeah exactly the last time my dad did anything." He murmured peeping into the long neck of the empty beer bottle to avoid eye contact. "And knowing my luck...." he trailed off. He wasn't normally one to believe in luck but if he did he would most definitely have to have been cursed by something when he was a child. 

James looked at him with a deep sorrowful expression. He inched in ever so slightly closer. Or was he just imagining things again. Winn tried to force a laugh to ease the tension. He really didn't mean to make things so hard, he didn't mean to be that weight that dragged everyone else's happiness down with it. " you know it wouldn't be so bad if my dad wasn't so self-obsessed that he had to name his first born after the greatest thing he knew in existence, himself." There was slight dramatization to that sentence. "It's hard to get a break in the papes when you've got the same name." 

Suddenly it seemed like a spark lit up in James' eyes, his teeth became prominent as they shone through his smirk and he structured himself so he was sitting up proud and confident. That was the I've got an idea look. A very good idea by the looks of it. It was almost like a light bulb was hovering above his head. Winn's leg began to shake, with either excitement or nerves he could never really tell, but it was something, motivation at least. His gaze dropped as he watched James' Adam's apple bob up and down whilst he correlated the final part of what he assumed to be a plan. Winn didn't even realise as he began to lean in slightly. 

"I've got an idea." James said as Winn whispered it in his head at the same time. Oh how he knew Mr Olsen so well. "I’ll pull a few strings, see if I can get news outlets to refrain from printing your name, just in case some opportunity as to why they would need to arises." Winn looked expectantly that made some sort of sense. “And try to convince them to mainly use the term Toyman when referring to your father." He calculated a little further. “Which shouldn't be too hard considering that National City loves their supervillain nicknames." He looked at Winn, eyebrow raised and a smug look. 

Optimism was something that came sparsely to Winn, He always saw the worst coming ten miles away, it normally took a left before it got to him but that's why he refrained from most things. It wasn't a bad idea, but it was unrealistic. Especially when Supervillains were now getting their lives divulged into by their own fan club amongst some of the more sickening members of society. Livewiresbabe989 was not a good twitter handle. 

"You don't have the power to do that..." he said weakly, afraid to disappoint James, he was trying harder than anyone to help him in this fight. 

Somehow James was expecting that response."But I know someone who does." He smirked, he unintentionally drew closer again. Winn’s heart started to beat faster. Why did it keep doing that? Stop it. James is your friend you've seen him 100 times before. 

"Who?"

"Cat Grant."

"Ms Grant?" Winn's voice went so high it was almost inaudible "You’ve got to be joking." 

"She owes us." 

"That's not how things work, by now we probably owe her." Winn said with a twinge of panic. Somehow Cat seemed to like him but by her terms that just means that she didn't hate him. He was pretty sure that that could change pretty quickly. Then he began to bite his nails with a form of nervousness. 

"Well I'm still going to try and convince her. She appreciated the daxamite rescue, so things shouldn't be as hard as it could be maybe two years ago." Winn watched as James hand glided over his chin in thought. “So yeah I'll call her first thing tomorrow. But let it be known if she destroys my soul with her icy stare that I’ll blame you until the day I die." He chuckled although Winn wasn’t really sure if he meant it or not but that was simply a technicality in the bigger picture of what James had just said.

"Seriously you'd really do that. Ask Ms Grant a really big favour ... just for me?" Winn stuttered collapsing into himself with a sudden feeling of gratitude. He couldn't help but smile. 

"I’d do anything for you." He replied sincerely, before there was a long pause, too long a pause. Winn tilted his head slightly in an almost confusion, Like he had just seen James for the first time. He noticed a vulnerability to him, one he hadn't seen before. No, no he was imagining things. "I...You’re my best friend." 

For some reason those words stung. He didn't know why exactly because he remembered when James had first called him his best friend and it had meant everything to him. He remembered feeling like it was some prestigious honour, a crowning achievement which meant that his life had changed for the better. But now it didn't seem enough and he wasn't 100% sure why. But he sat for a moment, under the soft lamp light that fell onto his sofa, and watched. He watched James slowly pick away at the Beer label and roll it in his fingers. He watched James in his daydream state, James was so attentive so aware of everything that it was rare he ever saw him like this. He watched as James ran his tongue ever so slightly over the top of his lips. Then he stopped watching and tried to break the silence. 

"I don't really think I'll be able to get to sleep tonight." Winn murmured to himself. "Considering everything." He couldn't close his eyes for a long period of time, be left alone with his own thoughts, without seeing the headlines and those guards faces. He couldn't close his eyes without almost breaking down.

James snapped out of his trance and looked up. "We could watch something a movie maybe."

“You mean Netflix and chill..? “He laughed and then turned the darkest shade of red on the spectrum. Despite it clearly being a joke his heart raced again overly embarrassed as James furrowed his brow. And there it was, that stupid thing he knew he was going to do to embarrass himself "not chill... no not chill. I was joking... I didn't... I didn't.... I don’t mean." He was vastly aware how much he was tripping over his words.

"Its ok I know a terrible joke when I hear one." But by the looks of it James really hadn't been sure. There was a long pause. “Anything in mind." 

Winn began to breath at a normal rate again as he listed the options in his head. "Maybe just some cartoons, you know they kind of cheer me up when I'm... I'm like this." He gestured vaguely. Not wanting to think too deeply about the situation that surrounded James' visit. 

"Sure." James leant back in the sofa crease, smiling his warm genuine smile, allowing his tight shirt to raise as he put his arms behind his head. Winn couldn't help but peek at his abs. It's not like you haven't seen him shirtless before. And yet he always seemed to feel like this whenever he saw him shirtless anyway. “I haven't watched cartoons in a long time. It should be fun." 

Winn's attention drew back to James' face, he looked expectantly for a response."Yeah fun..." Winn shone a friendly smile. Why was it so easy to smile? After everything that's happened. And then something clicked. 

His main focus was no longer on his father. Or everything that had happened. But James. Making James laugh, or have a somewhat fun time. Not dragging him down in the unbearable pain Winn called life. He wasn't feeling the deep dark offsetting pain he often felt when something happened concerning his father. It was almost as if James just sitting in the same room as him, showing that he cared, being by his side no matter what made his pain fall away. Made his emotions twist and turn so that the negative feelings were hidden, buried down because another overwhelming emotion had taken its place as ruler. And for a moment there was no way that the anger, or regret or pain could break free. He felt a twinge of happiness just by looking in James direction. Although it was just for a moment it was still there. And he was finally realising something. Something he had known for a long time but never wanted to admit to himself. But he knew it was there because how could it not be, how could it not be when his smile made his heart melt, every kind comment made his it beat faster. They spent so much time together he almost knew every little imperfection and perfection about him. His father was still brewing away in the darkness at the back of his mind but for now he didn't care. Because everything else in his life suddenly made sense because he was in love with James Olsen. 

Fuck he was in love with James Olsen.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Finally getting onto the actual ship properly wooo. 
> 
> I may be late uploading because I'm currently away on holiday but I have my unedited files with me so as long as I get a chance to read through it should be ok.


	5. I can't get through this alone

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: There is a description of a panic attack during this chapter, I thought a prewarning should be put in place just incase.

“Ice cream for breakfast. Really?” James was beginning to question  
every life decision which would have led to finding himself in some poorly lit ice cream parlour at 9am on a Thursday morning. Music from a classic kids bop cd had just started blaring out loudly over the speakers causing his teeth to grind together. He swore if he heard the word happy sung one more time…

“Umm yeah ice cream for breakfast is like the best.” Winn murmured brushing against James’ arm to reach the popping candy topping. He sprinkled it carelessly, with enough spoonfuls to probably give you a heart attack, but hey it was free with every 3 scoop order. “It’s pretty peaceful. There’s no little kids screaming because their parents are too sensible and make them eat properly. Whereas I am an adult and can do what I want.”

“You an adult?” James scoffed rolling his eyes. He was currently watching Winn squirt a bus load of chocolate sauce on the sugary mess he called breakfast. Suddenly Winn stopped dead and slammed the bottle down on the table in an over dramatic manner.

“Do you think I’d have these bags under my eyes if I was still a kid?” he breathed in and stood up straighter. “Man I wish I was still a kid but no I am a grown ass man. I mean look I have stubble.” James had noticed that he hadn’t shaved these past two days, he guessed it was because his mind was on other things. Soul destroying things. Not that he had been staring at Winn enough to notice that he hadn’t shaved and that it looked pretty good on him. He's just perceptive. Yeah perceptive.

“Ok well you may have stubble but grown?” James wore a mischievous grin as he raised his hand above Winn to show the shocking height difference between them. He also scrunched up his face and shook his head sympathetically. With that Winn’s mouth fell open as he breathed in through his teeth, he was pulling his fake hurt act.

“I’ll have you know Mr Olsen I am of an average height, it’s just you who is handsomely tall.” Wait did he say handsomely. Wasn’t the phrase ‘freakishly’ tall? Wasn’t that the word he was meant to use? Well Winn had turned an odd shade of red again and was currently absorbing his frozen desert as quickly as he could.

There was a moment of silence as James gazed at Winn push spoonful after spoonful of ice cream into his mouth. It was a real wonder that he could go that fast without being sick. Winn didn't look up at all. He just sat eating, lost in the land of dairy. He got like this sometimes. Went from the most talkative person in the world to the most quite. But James didn't mind he just appreciated his company no matter how sparsely he spoke. And in all honesty he just enjoyed watching Winn's little quirks. The way he'd smile at him when he thought he'd turned away. How he somehow always got a little bit of food on his nose. And lick out the bowl with such enthusiasm. It's what he loved about him. 

"At least you're enjoying it." He prompted further conversation. Winn shot up suddenly, cheeks puffed up with food like a chipmunk. His face seemed to change with pain as he received an ice cream headache from swallowing too hard.

"Yeah I'm enjoying it far more than your non-existent coffee." It was true he'd been waiting for over 10 minutes now. Glancing at his watch quickly he turned to the counter he was probably going to be late for the first meeting of the day. He was only meant to be dropping Winn off whilst he grabbed some form of warm beverage to make up for waking up late. But then again what was a few minutes. Maybe he was actually thanking the slow service so he could spend a few more minutes to make sure Winn was ok. Well as ok he could be. As much as he hated to admit it the morning ice cream seemed like a good distraction. His eyes lingered for a moment as he watched Winn finish in one fowl swoop of the spoon. He smiled fondly before being interrupted by the voice of a young woman behind the counter.

"Cappuccino for James." She pushed the coffee cup into his hand delicately before locking eyes with him for a moment. Her eyelashes fluttered over her dark honey coloured eyes, her lips pouted slightly before turning away to giggle with another member of staff.

James furrowed his brow in a confused manner before sliding back into the booth to grab his jacket. 

"Looks like you've got an admirer Jimothy." James heart beat rise for a moment looking expectantly at Winn only to see him peering down at his paper coffee cup. Oh. Turning it around slowly he saw a number scrawled in black sharpie just under the rim. Oh. Well that was unexpected. And maybe a little too cliché for his taste. She was very attractive he had to admit and she had an amazing smile and pretty eyes but maybe not the best he'd seen. No instead he pictured a brewing ocean storm, a mixture of emerald and cobalt that the light touched so well. He traced the number with his finger for a moment. Almost unsure what to do. 

"So ya gonna call her. She's kinda cute." Winn chimed in. Well not exactly chimed he could tell that something was off by his tone. He could sense a hint of jealousy. Was Winn really jealous that someone had asked him out? It’s not exactly like Winn never got dates, he'd seen him get asked out by a guy at CatCo just last week he could've easily said yes then. 

"I...I don't think so. Not yet anyway." Winn just raised his eyebrows not wanting to make a judgment. It was funny a few months ago he would've said yes. The girl did seem friendly enough and a date would have been fun. But now something was holding him back. And well it shouldn't be but it was. A whoosh of air passed his ear as Winn flew his jacket up from the red recliner to over his own shoulders. 

"So you wanna kinda maybe walk me to the Deo." He smiled half hopeful, half broken. But it was too much to ignore. He was definitely going to be late. But he never could say no to cute boys.

\--- 

The sky had clouded over, the blatantly harsh sunlight from the day before had seemed to disappear as things began to gain a sense of normality. A warm blanket of heat was still prominent and the sun rays broke through the cloud to the street below. Rolling up his sleeves to shake off some of his heat Winn strolled besides James with a new found happiness. Well more like new found not soul wrenching sadness. There were an array of bustling commuters jogging up the pavement with a form of early exhaustion, coffee firmly in hand and a sunken look in their eyes. At least he didn’t have to rush today like he often did, well always did, he was a terrible time keeper. He was sure that all of his exercise came from running to work in the morning. Why couldn’t he be a speedster or at least be able to open portals or something? Anyway that was beside the point, today at least he could enjoy a stroll or a walk or whatever. Spend more time enthralled in a conversation with James, or just more time with James in general. J’onn had advised him to take the rest of the week off because he’d had a tough couple of days and the added stress of fixing code to prevent an alien invasion probably wouldn’t help improve his mental stability. Yet keeping his mind off of the whole situation, working at one of the only things that made sense to him right now would probably help more than anything. Nothing in his life made sense not his dad and his actions, not the fact that he somehow wound up being best friends with an alien and certainly not his love life but code, numbers, the funny cat videos he’d watch when no one was looking, did. So no J'onn wasn’t expecting him, and yes both him and Alex would probably tie his arms behind his back and try and force him to go home but for his own sake and his own peace of mind he had to go into work. At least finish the new security system he was trying to implement. 

He was actually surprised that James was still walking with him to be honest, he was also surprised that James had come for morning ice cream even if he did just buy coffee. James being Mr big CEO seemed to have meeting every 5 seconds its why James was always gone by the time he woke up whenever he stayed over. Or why they normally met up for dinner rather than lunch because he didn’t have a spare minute, of course he’d prefer to eat subs with James on the rooftop CatCo café instead of sitting in a dark locker room with some poorly made cheese sandwich. Well in all honesty anything was better than that but he would love spending that time with James more than anything. Maybe James didn’t have a meeting this morning, maybe all the suits were on an expensive boating trip with champagne or something. He tried not to think too deeply about it.  
James was treading lightly beside him, fully immersed in their discussion about Stranger Things one of the few shows James had seen without Winn having to beg him to watch it first. Winn listened intently staring straight ahead, a small smile occupied itself on his face. He could feel James eyes fall to him on occasion as if to check he were still somewhat content, that he wasn’t about to break on the sidewalk again. That made Winn’s heart flutter, the fact that someone cared for him. Of course he glanced at James every so often, pacing it out carefully, calculating the exact time to let his eyes linger so James didn’t see. As they tried to avoid the various obstructions on the pavement they drew slightly closer, within hand holding difference Winn noted before clenching his fist to resist temptation. Focus.

There was only another block before they reached the DEO and he and James would have to part. Only a few more moments before he’d have to spend another full 8 hours until he ran the chance to see James again. They had agreed to grab dinner together before going guardianing. Winn suggested it, insisted the food would be on him as a thank you but he felt that James only agreed because he wanted to keep an eye on him, to make sure that he didn’t do anything stupid. But hey it was still a dinner friendship date of sorts. And plus it was probably a reason to drag out the amount of time James could keep an eye on Winn because there was the suggestion looming that it probably wasn’t the best idea to go straight back into the superhero business when it would be very easy for Winn to get emotionally drained. As they edged round the corner, past the bookstore, Winn felt a twist in his stomach he was almost at work. He began to chew on his gum with a form of nervousness maybe it was a bad idea, he felt like the only thing keeping him a float right now, allowing his mind to stray from his father’s murders, was James and as soon as he entered the building he would be gone. He didn’t really know if he could survive in the world on his own yet, he sure didn’t yesterday.

However without warning Winn began to hear the sudden introduction to the Darth Vader theme which from hence forth would bring a similar feeling to what Luke must have felt when faced with his father because this was his ringtone and he was really not going to like what was at the other end of the line. He scrambled to pull it from his pants pocket. James paused for a moment and carefully ushered him to keep walking before he knocked someone out with his elbow. By the time he had grasped the phone in his hand he threw it straight to his ear.

“Winn?” a woman’s voice called on the other end of the phone.

“Hey Maggie what’s up?"

“Oh thank god you’re ok.” She sounded worried. Why did Maggie Sawyer sound worried. He swallowed the saliva in his mouth and breathed heavily before glancing towards James who was staring at him curiously.

“Why wouldn’t I be?” he tried to keep smiling he really did but his brow furrowed and his breathing grew heavier still.

“I’m sorry Winn but your fathers escaped from prison.” Suddenly everything came crashing down, harder than it ever had.

“What? No.No.No.No. There must be some mistake.” His voice cracked as he felt a pain form in his chest. “You have to check again. Make sure he’s not tricking you. He could be tricking you.” Almost shouting down the phone. He glanced up at James looking for a sign but he barely knew what was happening. His head was titled he could tell Winn was distressed but that was it. Yet he still placed his hand on Winn’s back to comfort him because he couldn’t do much else.

“I’m sorry Winn. He’s gone. We transferred him to a new cell and somehow….” Maggie’s voice was too calm. Too kind. Not the usual teasing tone or even the professional tone. And Winn hated it. He hated it.

“Please.” The last strain in his voice. The last broken word. The tears were already rising. His breathing wasn’t slowing down and the world was fading away.

“We’ll call Kara get her to…”

“No.” Winn said decisively despite the state he was in.

“What? This is a matter of urgency of course I’m…”

“Don’t call Kara.” He said again only this time louder.

“Your life is in danger.” Maggie’s tone was almost angry now.

“Well so are all those people she’s trying to save right now. My life isn’t more important than theirs. Just leave her out of this." Winn had a point.

“Fine. Just Head over to the Deo. They’ll put you in protective custody, it’s the safest place you can be for the time being. We don’t want a repeat of last time he was free.”

“I-I-I…ok.” He stuttered slightly, unable to comprehend words anymore. Things went dark or light or something it felt like he couldn’t see straight. Think straight. Everything blurred into one as he tried to hold on to something anything. The phone went dead. Maggie had hung up. She had to, she had more pressing matters. Also he hadn’t spoken in a few moments she probably thought he had gone too. Maybe he had gone.

Winn bent over slightly pressing his hands to his legs tired. Tired of everything. It felt like the air was growing thin as he kept breathing heavier and heavier. His stomach knotted tighter and bile rose up he was going to be sick. Or was he going to be sick. He didn’t know. He didn’t know anything. The traffic and the people, the noise, was fading away replaced with a pounding in his head that droned on and on. He still couldn’t breathe. He couldn’t breathe. And the pounding continues as he shut his eyes wanting to close everything off. The first tear broke free and created a warm trail down his cheek. He could hear his name echo in his head. James was calling out to him but he seemed miles away. The air still kept disappearing from him. He couldn’t breathe. He had to breathe. He had to breathe. Try to count to ten. Count to ten as if it was the last thing he could do. But the air was still so thin. And he didn’t want to open his eyes. Couldn’t open his eyes. And his stomach lurched as his heart grew faster. The pain was almost unbearable. But he still heard James. His voice rung out above the pounding in his skull.

“Winn please you need to look at me ok.” His voice was soft but he couldn’t concentrate or focus. His vison was still disfigured and his head was still pounding. He felt something coming into contact with his face. James’ hand. He tried to pull himself away he was ok he didn’t need help. He didn’t need help. He needed to get away from all these people. Away from the street. Just go. He tried to shuffle back. But James kept him still. “Winn everything going to be ok.” But it wasn’t it wasn’t going to be ok. His dad was out of jail. A now 9 times murder was out of jail. He was going to come for him. He knew he was. Despite what happened last time. Despite everything. He still had that fixation. That thought that Winn would join him. Maybe this time he would have to. Maybe this time there was no getting away. Maybe this time the stakes would be too high and he’d have to kill an innocent person to save the lives of so many others. His dad was smart he would have a supergirl proof plan this time. There would be no choice except to go with him. He would have to go with his father this time. He knew it was inevitable. He knew it. His father was going to be there at any moment. No matter what the DEO did. There was no escaping this. The air was still thin and his heart was still racing. He had to calm down. He had to breathe. Breathe properly. He could still hear James trying to get through to him. “Winn everything’s going to be ok. We are in this together. Do you hear me.” Winn raised his head looking up to the sky still breathing heavily, trying to focus on James. Focus on James and breathing this time with slightly more ease. He opened his eyes and just stared for a moment. Let the tears trickle down his cheeks. He could feel his breathing slow. He let his mind go blank for a moment. Freezing his current fears and thoughts. And just breathed. In. Out. In.Out. He wasn’t going to be sick. He wasn’t going to faint. He just needed to breathe. In. Out. In. Out. His muscles relaxed slightly, the tension trickled away. In. Out.In Out. It wasn’t doing much good anymore. But he could stand. He could stand. He need to distract himself. Stop thinking just for a moment. He looked towards James who was staring blankly, a worried twinge to his face. But he was there. He was there. Trying to make this better. He stood and stared for moment as James reached out his arm. He could still taste the harshness of the air on his tongue, his throat had grown dry and his heart was still aching. But he let himself concentrate on James, just to bring himself back in to a sense of reality. He felt James hand move up and down on his arm. He flinched but didn’t pull away this time. The tingling sensation relaxing his muscles further. “We are in this together.” Winn added a weak nod as he felt a lump in his throat form. The air was loosening but he was still finding it hard to breathe. Yet he wanted to speak. James knew what had happened he had to by now but he still wanted to say it. Let the thought become real.

“My dad’s escaped from jail.” His words were almost incomprehensible through his muttering but it was enough. James bit his lip and nodded with a sorrowful expression. He didn’t say anything and Winn was glad in a way because he couldn't bring up a conversation. He still felt sick and light headed. He could still feel his chest rise and fall harshly and a faint drumming in his head. It had lessened, he felt the panic slip away slightly. He realised they were standing on the side of the pavement now near the edge of the coffee shop he would normally go to in the morning. 

Without realising they had moved Winn was now sitting down inside the shop. They sat in there for a moment, In a quiet corner, James bought him tea, a muffin and a bottle of water. Allowing time for him to calm down, to gain a sense of normality to his breathing pattern. They sat there silent for a further 15 minutes or so. James just simply staring into his eyes, focusing on him staying calm. Nothing else. And then, eventually, Winn felt strong enough to speak again.

“You should probably get to work.” 

James’ face dropped slightly. “Winn I’m not leaving you.”

Winn wanted to argue, say he’d be fine. But he wasn’t fine. And he knew he wouldn’t be fine without someone like James by his side. He allowed himself to be selfish. Just for today.

“Ok.” He gulped, allowing his mouth to become dry once again. “Well I guess we should be going.” Neither of them looked at each other but simply stood up from their seats and headed out of the door.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope I wrote that panic attack ok. I've experienced panic attacks before but I'm no expert on describing them and had to go on a few websites for accuracy I've also only been talked out of a panic attack once maybe 3 years ago (the first one I'd ever had) so I'm not sure if what James said to Winn during it would've actually helped or not but anyway I hope it wasn't too poorly written.


	6. No one else

It was almost 10pm .Winn’s nerves rose as the room became eerier per the hour. 

There was very little furnishing surrounding him,which of course there wouldn't be because it was meant to be a containment cell for hostile aliens. He began to feel sorry for those aliens. Maybe if they added in some curtains or linen or even a night light.... Winn bit down hard on his lip as his eyes followed around the room. Dark shadows cast on the concrete walls, looming over him like something would suddenly move. But they didn't really scare him. Just painted the vivid images of the corny horror movies in his mind. Knowing that there weren't any real monsters out there, not the ones he used to hide from under his duvet or the ones he'd scream about to the kid in the bed next to him who would in turn mock him stating he was a cry-baby, he now saw the real types of monsters where in human nature. He saw it in Maxwell Lord, Lillian Luthor, Rhea and especially his father. The true monsters in life took human form, in the parents of good people or in a false kindness when you were all alone. It made you doubt yourself and believe that you were in the wrong for ever wanting to be good. They weren't lurking in the shadows but inside of everyone and as soon as they were released there was no escape. You were the cautionary tale people told children to keep them on the straight and narrow. You were the face that flickered in the minds of the victims’ families. You were the one that lost everything you ever held dear. This is why he needed to keep his anger in, letting himself break from the inside rather than let the abuse befall someone else. Because at the end of the day his struggles were tough, ones which crushed the spirit and the heart, but they were still human struggles and he couldn't let that monster solve them. Not like his father did. 

Now it was time to wait. His farther would come for him no matter what the DEO did. Whether they put him in a highly guarded cell with one bed and a glass window between him and danger, whether they threw him in a containment facility in New Mexico or the fortress of solitude. He probably wouldn't even be safe on earth one with Barry and the gang. No his father would find him no matter what. An ounce of hope remained in the back of his mind that they'd catch him first but with every moment that hope trickled away. Nobody truly knew what his father was capable of, not even him. His father would find him. And the worst of it he knew he wouldn't harm him. That a single hair on his head would not be touched. He'd always be safe because his father saw him as his possession. His creation. A toy he created, that he owned not really a son but an object. And why would a man break his own toy.

Winn stroked his chin in a form of anticipation as to what was to come. The room had good security yet people still broke into the DEO. This containment cell was apparently the safest place in the building but things still managed to break out. It was small and didn't make him feel safe at all. All it did was make him anxious. And it didn't help that he had experienced his first panic attack in over two years. It drained him, he curled up for a while in a form of dissociation and got up in his own time. But he could still feel an itching in his stomach remnants from the height of his anxiety. It felt like he was trapped with no way of escape. The cell reminded him of all the beaten up bedrooms he stayed in as a kid before he was carted off to the next belligerent couple. It reminded him of all the integration rooms he was pushed into by police and the somewhat sickening tone they’d adopt because they were talking to a child of a murderer. 

The whole room was unnerving to say the least. He wanted to go home and lay under his Star Wars duvet or sit in the luminescence of the nearest big belly burger. But he knew that they were even less secure and had more people in its proximity to get hurt. That was the last thing he wanted. But he picked away at his nail as he tried to ignore the damp and miserable aura. He wanted to go home. But looking besides him, at least he wasn't alone. 

James hadn't left his side, he had stayed with him all day. Talking little and a lot. It confused Winn as to why. Why would James Olsen stay with him? Not just tonight but for months. 

Sure he understood that they had become friends through chance, through the anomaly that was Kara Danvers. And of course he understood why James loved being around Supergirl. She was an alien, a superhero, extraordinary. The burst of adventure that James craved. And even when she was just Kara Danvers she was bubbly, beautiful and brave. But Winn Schott was just ordinary and not the best kind of ordinary either. He had pushed his luck even when James asked him to help with Guardian. Sure he was the smartest guy he knew but he thought that this Guardian thing would be over faster than it started. That once he built the suit James would go it solo, or find a better partner. He wouldn't have blamed him or held it against him. It was just the type of thing he expected. And of course he'd think of James in the same way after. But James seemed adamant about keeping him by his side, Persistent even. The type of persistence that no one had shown towards him before. When he broke away let his fear take over James was calling him back unable to do it without him. 

Guardian was no longer 'I' for James but 'we'. He didn't know why because he was a nobody whereas James was good looking, brave, kind and caring even if slightly egotistical. He had +10 charisma and an award winning smile. He was everything Winn wished he could be and everything he loved. He was best friends with superman for god’s sake. And yet he was also friends with Winn Schott. Best friends. More than best friends. Brothers even. James was a hero and he couldn’t understand how they ever became so close because He was ordinary. He wasn't heroic or brave. He wasn't full of confidence and wasn't any less than awkward. The only thing that made him special was the fact his father was a supervillain. Why would James want to stay by his side? To this extent at least. Stay with him when his world was crashing down. Stay with him after his outburst. It just didn't make any logical sense. At least not to him. 

"Jeez having to spend almost 48 hours with Winn Schott I bet you’re having the time of your life." Winn laughed to himself staring down at his feet, still with that deep nestled insecurity. It was always best to joke about things that really eat you up inside. 

"I've had worse." 

Winn looked up for a moment raising his eyebrow, goofy grin plastered on his face.   
"Really?" 

"Try every day at CatCo." James looked down towards the half empty bottle of cola he was firmly grasping in his hand. It was from the provisions Alex had brought in to make their three wall cell was more 'homely'. 

"Is CatCo really that bad?" 

"No it's actually pretty good.” He murmured taking a break from his intense study of his beverage. “I just didn't say there was anything bad about this situation.” Winn turned beet red.The overwhelming feeling of being liked hit him hard. Did he mean that in a compliment way? Like a real compliment way? Sure James complimented him before but more of the you’re my best bro sort. He felt a sudden sense of contentment wash over him as he pushed his hand over his mouth to suppress his smile.

“Yeah there’s nothing bad about this situation.” Winn poised gesturing with his hand. “Except maybe my murderous father on his way ready to kidnap me.”

“Oh right that.” An awkward chuckle. For a moment there Winn was sure that James had turned redder than him and that the single bed they were sitting on suddenly seemed to grow even smaller. The low hum of the monitors surrounding the cell were over taken by James’ deep breathing becoming more prominent by the minute .Winn, letting his eyes linger on the fact that James Olsen was blushing, shuffled away slightly. Mainly because he was scared his somewhat over emotional state would make him do something stupid. Because while it was true he was still feeling all the pain and heartache because of his father he could also feel his heart beating faster, the blood pumping in his veins. He didn’t feel lost or like he was drowning and that was because of James. There was a moment of silence where neither man looked at each other rather out of the glass window to the back of the room.

“Still.” James continued brushing his hand against his neck, almost if that single word had proved his point. “It’s better than going on that blind date Eve set me up with.”

“You had a date? Like as in Tonight. Like a date you was meant to be going on tonight?” James nodded without further expression. A feeling of guilt formed in Winn’s stomach, first he’d he threw his anger out on James and now he’d stopped him meeting whatever beautiful woman Eve had set him up with.  
“James I…” he could feel his voice waver ready to apologise for what seemed like the hundredth time today but he didn’t get the chance to.

“Dude don’t apologise. Its fine seriously. I cancelled last night, I wouldn't have promised you dinner tonight otherwise. Plus I’m not so good at blind dates anyway." Winn noticed the tension slip from James’ muscles as he began to relax into a somewhat safer topic.

“You? Not good?” Winn said in simple syllables as if he were having a hard time comprehending the statement. “ If James Olsen the strong, handsome, strapping young gentleman isn’t good on blind dates then what hope is there for the rest of us.” Winn bit his tongue, embarrassed that he’d let all those words slip out. He played it cool to some success because James chuckled.

“Yeah, no I’m terrible. Eve has set me up on way too many dates these past six months. All pretty bad choices by the way,I don’t even think she knows I’m into guys too.” Huh. It appeared he didn’t know that information either. He supposed that the topic never really came up. Despite how long they spent talking about the suit, or the next job or even where they should go for food James’ dating life was never really up for conversation. He supposed his wasn’t either, well except when he was actually dating Lyra .But that was very much of an intense roller-coaster of a romance and Lyra very much of pushed to be the star part even in Winn’s non dating life. But other than that they had formed an unofficial pact he wouldn’t talk about Siobhan, James barely about Lucy and neither of them mentioned Kara. At least not in that way. Maybe it was because subconsciously he knew that he’d end up spilling the beans that he had a giant huge crush on him if they even mentioned love. Even if before now he hadn’t admitted it to himself.

“Yeah well Kara didn’t know I was either until at least 2 years into our best friendship and she didn't even know I had a huge gaping crush on her so I think I win.” They both laughed at the thought. At how Kara was still very much a prominent figure in their life but not in the same light as she once was. Not the love of their lives but just Kara Danvers. Or at least that’s what Winn was laughing at, James however was just smiling politely, he seemed wrapped up in his own thoughts. A wall seemed to be building up between them. Winn didn’t know why exactly but it definitely felt like there was one starting to form, maybe it was because of how long they’d spent together in a compact room. 

They sat in silence again for another moment or two. Maybe it was the fact that there seemed to be friction between them or an eerie silence but Winn started to feel the bad thoughts trickle into his brain. Ones which had been kept at bay by the somewhat distracting conversations he had with James. The watch began to rub against his skin again as he moved it up and down in a form of nervousness. He kept his eyes fixated on an ugly yellow stain on the floor biting down on his lip trying not to think of everything around him. He’d been able to shut out his father just by imagining that reality only existed inside the cell. And it worked because it was just James in there with him. He was real and James was real that’s all he needed to keep a sound mind for now. His friendship with James was real. His feelings for James were definitely real. Not much else mattered to him anymore. But there was a certain tension to the air, and a dread in the pit of his stomach because his feelings, his heart, had been wrong before. And now as this fake reality was crumbling at the structure the real world returned. 

“Why don't you want Kara here?" James finally spoke.

"Huh?"

"Kara. You've turned down her being here at least 5 times now." 

"Have I? I didn't notice." Winn laughed anxiously his eyes meeting with James'. Oh god why was he such a bad liar. 

"Winn you're a terrible liar." Their thoughts were so in sync. Maybe a little too in sync.

"So are you." Winn retorted desperate that the weak blow would somehow deter him from digging deeper. But he simply rolled his eyes. 

"That's beside the point." There was a beat in between words but it wasn't enough time for Winn to plan an out.

"What's wrong?" 

Winn debated for a moment, whether or not to tell James the truth. It wasn't exactly a terrible secret, it was something he barely thought about. But now it was being brought into the limelight he wanted to shy away. Yet the amount of shit that had happened these past few days he knew he owed James this much.

"It's just you know. The last time my dad broke out of jail was when I..." he scratched the back of his head thinking, cumulating a way to speak properly. "When I kissed Kara." He saw James sit up a little straighter in the corner of his eye. He seemed to form a defensive position, a judgemental look. 

"And...." James prompted. "You're still in ...." 

"What? In love with her. Pfft. No." he threw his hand up dismissive action and tilted his head "Well isn't everyone a teeny weeny bit in love Kara..." he thought again. “I mean no. No. I'm not still in love with her. No. That's not why I don't want her here." His tone changed slightly to show he was decided on the matter. He sighed and looked longingly at nothing in particular "It's just it really drove a deep hole in our friendship. It was all my fault I know but things were finally getting back to normal and being in a similar position, me sitting on my couch, her protecting me it, would bring it all back." He glanced back up at James, he wasn't in a defensive stance anymore. 

Maybe James did think he was still in love with Kara, maybe James Is still in love with Kara. Winn half smiled to himself, defeated, it would make sense. Why the blind dates didn't work out. But hey it wasn't exactly like he'd come into this cell to make James fall in love with him. But maybe that was part of the reason he didn't want Kara here either. 

"You know Kara wouldn't see it that way. Kara doesn't hold people's mistakes against them." James placed his hand on Winn's back and patted it tenderly without a second thought. Something he'd grown accustomed to. “I mean look at how she forgave Mon el. Again and again and again." Winn watched as James eye twitched and his mouth coiled, he really did not like Mon el. At all. He didn't exactly blame him he wasn't his number one fan all the time but well James' opinion of him was a whole different story. Then suddenly James broke out of his bad memories induced trance before continuing in a whole-hearted manner. "All I'm saying is Kara wouldn't even mention what happened last time. She’s Kara.And besides she could keep you safe."

"You can keep me safe." Winn blurted out before having time to think. Shit that sounded really really like Winn was flirting with him right? Like what normal human being says that to their very probably not interested friend. This was a mistake. His whole life was a mistake. Yet James smiled fondly and saw it as a compliment to say the least. 

"Not as well as a krytonian." That reply perplexed Winn. It was rare James would ever admit defeat, he knew his limits yes, and he wouldn't go against Rhea if Kara was there to fight her but Winn's father was human. Despite his nasty disposition and his lack of compassion he wasn't anyone James couldn't defeat in a game of strength, his bones could still break. Besides both him and Kara would fare similarly if it came down to a game of wits. And yet he seemed adamant that he couldn't keep him safe. Like his father was stronger than he was, like he was posing an Imamate threat to the whole world and not just one very ordinary awkward man. 

"Well you may not be a kryptonian but you're James Olsen." He locked eyes and shuffled back to his original position, closer to James. "And in my honest opinion that's way better." Smiling James mirrored his expression to show his gratitude. Winn wanted nothing more in the world then to kiss him right there and then but he resisted. For now. Broke off the sexual tension he personally felt in the air. "And besides no one else appreciates my Star Wars jokes." 

James shook his head in disbelief throwing his head back at his comment.  
"You know I don't either."  
yet unable to resist "Go on then." He clapped his hands together. "Tell me one."

"What do you call a stressed out Jedi?" 

"What?" 

"Panicking Skywalker." Winn’s mouth grew wide with the cheesiest grin he could muster.

In contrast there was a large over exaggerated groan from James. "That was the worst thing I've ever heard." 

Winn laughed back with an eyebrow raised. "Don’t pretend. You loved it really."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Who doesn't love puns, puns are the best. Sorry if the spelling is off again I didn't really have time to triple check.   
>  We're just past half way point now so I hope you're all still enjoying it.


	7. We can navigate the stars

Winn woke up in a cold sweat. He couldn't remember exactly what he was dreaming about but by his now apparent forehead dampness he guessed it was something not good. He jolted away from whatever he was laying on, disorientated, in a state of panic forgetting where he was. Nothing was worse than waking up from a nightmare in a new place. Then he realised that he was breathing inconsistently, that his chest was rising up and down in a rapid manner. Trying to calm himself he turned and realised what he had been lying on.  
“Woah Winn, its ok you're safe." James’ deep tone appeared out of thin air, causing him to remember what exactly had happened.

"Oh God did I fall asleep on your lap?" He raised his hand from James' leg, still covered in his work trousers. This really didn’t help his I’m not in love with James Olsen case. "I really didn't mean to.... That was a really weird thing for me to do. You should've just pushed me off I wouldn't have minded. Well maybe a little but you know just push me straight off next time." Winn could feel his speech grow faster and faster. "Just push me right off. Wow this is really embarrassing huh?" He bit his tongue top stop speaking. Why was he like this?

"Seriously man its fine." James steadied Winn slightly as he slipped round to a proper sitting position before stretching himself. "I went to sleep about the same time you did." James continued to stretch to his full ability there was a crack from his knuckles. Ew.

"Well good I just… I just didn't want you watching me whilst I slept." Winn mumbled groggily rubbing his eyes. How did James look so good after being in a crumpled sleeping position for 5 hours whilst he looked like troll?

“Well you were half way through telling me about that weirdly vast knowledge you have on Broadway shows and you kind of just dropped off." 

"Really? Ugh. But I love talking to you about my useless knowledge." It didn’t even come to Winn’s attention that he had used ‘you’ rather than stating he just loved talking about it in general. Because it was true that James was the only person that would ever listen to him drone on about his useless knowledge whether it was Bonnie and Clyde or Les Mis or just movies like Star Wars. James was the only one he didn’t feel like he was annoying. Even Kara on occasion seemed like she should be getting onto more important things. 

"I know you do. I've heard all your soundtracks like 5 times now." Despite the obvious hint of sarcasm it didn’t make Winn less eager to talk about it in the future because he knew  
it wasn’t through agitation just stating the facts.

"And wait.” Winn’s brow furrowed as his voice grew a pitch higher. “You did see me sleeping."

“Well...”

“Oh I knew you were lying to me.” He pointed an accusing finger.

"Yeah ok fine, but like for 20 minutes tops. Besides there’s nothing to worry about you looked cute." Winn felt his face grew hotter as he became flushed. Had James really just said he looked cute? He shuffled around on his seat trying to gain control of his heart and resist screaming ‘really?’ Because he was pretty sure he did not look cute when he was sleeping. Although he could do. He hadn’t seen himself sleep before. But besides James was probably just patronising him. Yeah joking around. Nothing else because he wouldn’t think he was really cute. No way would he think that. Because James was still obviously in love with Kara. Otherwise James wouldn’t have gotten defensive thinking that he still had that 5 year old crush on her. James had definitely got defensive right? Yeah he’d gone stiff and almost worried. He knew James better than anyone and he definitely tensed at the suggestion that he was still in love with Kara. It had taken him to say he wasn’t interested for him to relax. So surely that meant James was still in love with Kara because why else would he not want him to be in love with her? Unless… Nope. No, Winn don’t get your hopes up. Nope James is either in love with Kara or his apparent disapproval was a trick of the light. Although he had gone quite all of the sudden, after calling him cute. The type of quite he normally went after he became embarrassed over something. No Winn you’re making things up again. . James definitely doesn’t feel the same way about you. It’s just the trick of the light.

But yet when he gazed over at James, at his muscular frame, beautiful bright grin, moonlit eyes and his look of deep concentration as he tried to open a candy bar, Winn couldn’t help but smile. James was by far the most perfect person he’d ever met both inside and out. And he couldn’t believe how long he’d kept his thoughts buried, how strong he had been to not let them over flow the first day they sat in that van together. He’d been in love with James Olsen for such a long time but it took being put in mortal danger by his own father, feeling like he’d lose everything because of his blood line, to realise how far that love had grown from quite admiration to I would kiss you on the spot. Winn tilted his head slightly, letting his eyes glaze over. He wanted to be able to say something, anything to let him know at the slightest chance that he reciprocated his feelings. But as always his words failed him. His nerves ate away until he decided against it. 

Yet looking at James in the artificial glow of the industrial lightbulbs he couldn’t help but help feel overcome by emotions whether or not he’d confess his feelings tonight was one thing but he had to break the silence somehow and all he could think to say was.

“Thank you.” James looked up from the half eaten candy bar mid chew. 

“For letting you sleep on my lap and not take pictures…” he said through a mouthful of crumbs. “Like I said…”

"No that's not what I meant." Winn said blankly. "Well that too but I just meant thank you, for everything." 

"Everything?" James sat up a little straighter and swirled round so he was in direct eye line. Winn could feel the pulling in his stomach telling him to stay quiet and not to utter another word. His throat felt like it was closing in on itself and the room suddenly felt like a desert despite the overbearing air conditioning. 

“I just mean that um...” it felt like James was staring straight through him. Normally he was so good with talking to James. So good he actually prided himself that he had at least 2 friends who he would barely get choked up around. But now when it came down to emotions, revealing something deep inside things felt off. And he knew James was able to tell, he had a perplexed expression and looked like he had something on the tip of his tongue but didn't want to quite speak yet. Finally Winn sighed and closed his eyes tight as if it made things easier. "Thank you for not abandoning me this past few days and being there for me. I don't think I could've survived any of this without you by my side." There was a long drawn out pause as Winn scraped out a little more courage. "Any of it actually. Not my break up with Lyra. Or the whole framing ordeal. Or the gun to the face, I mean I definitely wouldn't have survived that." He half frowned remembering the whole ordeal “And you just made me believe in myself ok? You stuck with me despite my lack of confidence and constant self-doubt. You never once thought that I would screw up or would let you down and for someone with pretty much 0 self-esteem that means a lot. I just..." love you. “Can’t thank you enough. For making me a better person." That last line came out as a stutter. It had become suddenly apparent to Winn that he was grasping his wrist alarmingly tight, causing it to turn a dark shade of red. James had stopped looking at him and instead was looking anyway else, his eyes dated around the room slightly. Winn drummed out a familiar pattern on his knee with his fingertips. Distracting himself from the inevitable uncomfortable look he'd gain from James. 

"Wow I just made this whole situation super awkward didn't I?" Winn chuckled a broken chuckle, pushing his hand through the knots at the back of his hair. James still didn't say anything. He'd walk out that door right this moment and face his father if it meant he could break free of this living nightmare he'd just wrapped himself into. The digital clock on the side of the room flashed 4am. A good time to fall to sleep and forgot all the stupid, stupid things he'd said. He was so riddled with overwhelming feelings of regret that he hadn't noticed James had turned back towards him. 

"Winn." It was too late for the you’re my friend but... speech he was already reaching down for the DEO logo blankets Alex had left on the floor. Once he'd gone to blanket town there was no way he could tell him how much of a disappointment he was. 

"Its fine James seriously I realise I made things like real weird there you don't have to say anything." His tone had changed completely going from one of kindness and sincerity to an off handish mutter. It reminded him more of how he used to talk to James when they first met, when he was nothing but jealous of him because even when he was madly in love with Kara he couldn't ignore his beauty and how he was out of his league which obviously made him a perfect fit for his bestie. Then he felt James' hand hover to his shoulder, Winn sighed deeply it was so easy to make him come round. 

"No I want to. A few days ago you got angry and you said that you and your father were the same...” oh so this was it the whole you're too much like your dad routine. That's why his mom left right? Or at least what people used to tell him. That his speech was sweet but it was weird coming from him because he has the same tendencies as his father. Maybe he didn't even think he liked him and just wanted to break off their friendship. That the past few days has been too much, they had grown far too close for him to not see the bad inside. It figured. The silence was too long and the tensions were too high, it didn't help that was tired either. He just wanted to go home, have a normal life. 

"Yeah Well I'm sorry." He didn't look towards James, not wanting to see the look of condolences. "But Hey at least you believe me when I say me and my dad are like two peas in a pod." He realised he wasn't proving his case but at this point he didn't really care. Maybe he was being selfish but he just wanted James to see him in the same light as he always saw him. Or at least think he was good. But of course his outburst would have changed his mind and of course James wouldn't match his feelings. He wouldn't have before this week and definitely not now. "I'm sorry if you expected something else." This time his voice broke. He just wanted James to not leave him like so many people in his life.

"No Winn let me finish." James seemed a little irritated but he hadn't moved his hand he still sat with his compassionate demeanour. 

"Yeah ok sorry.”Maybe he was jumping to conclusions way too fast. He carefully placed the blanket back down onto the pile next to him and turned. James looked a little lost somewhere in deep concentration. 

"These past few days you’ve been acting like you a ticking time bomb ready to explode but you need to know that you’re not." He began with a lump in his throat. Winn looked towards him and tilted his head in confusion. "Look I knew that for certain because your genes do not define you Winn. Your father isn’t you, he isn't kind or compassionate. He wouldn’t have risked life and limb to help a man achieve his goal to become a hero. He wouldn’t have encouraged him through his moments of doubt nor would he stand up for him against his friends. You’re brave Winn." That sentence hit him particularly hard. He'd never considered himself as anything but a coward. Not brave enough to confess his feelings to Kara, not brave enough to stand up against his childhood bullies, not brave enough to step out of his computer chair and throw himself into action, someone who was definitely was not a Gryffindor. No one had really ever called him brave before and it hit him like an arrow in the heart. "You’ve helped me more than you'll ever know Winn. I know your heart and its nothing but good. Without you I... I could be dead or worse. I mean I've been shot what 2 times now." Then Winn smiled shook his head holding up 3 fingers “Wow 3 times really" he paused for a moment more "Even in a world surrounded by superheroes You Winn Schott are truly the most remarkable person I’ve ever met."  
"But I'm just ordinary." Winn couldn't help blurting out. After so many years of people putting him down he could help it. Besides he had convinced himself of it too, if you're ordinary then you can't really have a supervillain for a father. 

"Not to me." And then for a moment he could swear he saw that glint in his eyes the one that told him of his complete sincerity. That it had solely come from his heart. Suddenly he could see a deep rooted anxiety about James, a loss of confidence. Why would he lose his confidence around him? They’re best friends, they knew almost everything about each other and there was no way Winn could ever judge him. In fact the only time Winn ever lost his confidence around James was when he was talking about his father or trying to avoid completely confusing his feelings for him. Oh. Wait that can’t be right. But it made sense James taking so long to create an answer. He was trying not to accidentally confess his feelings. Winn knew exactly how that felt, he was experiencing it right now. But why would James feel that way about him of all people. But then again it made all the sense in the world. Well at least he wanted it to. He really wanted it to. He wanted it to be true more than anything.

Winn’s eyes darted up and he searched for a sign that this was it. That this was what they both wanted. James eyes glistened slightly, the deep rich mahogany enthused with a whirl of moonlight. His heart melted, the time he had spent looking on those eyes thinking they held the secrets of the universe not knowing that all this time they were looking back at him in the same way. At least that’s what he hoped. For once he hoped his instincts hadn’t failed him. He noticed James was biting his lip that the tension had built and he too was searching for something. Maybe this wasn’t all in his head. His heart rate grew faster and his breathing deeper. He shuffled towards James and placed his hand on top of his to test the boundaries. He didn’t want to make a mistake. Ruin their friendship. For a moment James didn’t flinch and in fact appeared to begin to draw closer. Winn smirked slightly under the flickering light and pressed his eyes closed,lips close to touch. But then without warning James pulled away.

Winn’s face dropped as he felt James hand twist from under his. His mouth went dry as he swallowed his feelings of joy. He made a mistake. Again he made a mistake. Stupid. How could he think that James wanted this? Why did his father always bring out his deepest purest emotions and the make them go up in flames. He made James uncomfortable. Why did he have to go and make James uncomfortable? He felt himself start to hyperventilate. Just calm it Winn, he’ll understand it’ll be ok.  
“Look James I…I…” He started to stutter drowning in his own words. “I thought you... I didn’t mean to make you uncomfortable. I’m so sorry... I just thought.

“Shhh.”

“No look I have to…”

“Winn shut up.” James persisted. Well that was kind of rude. Maybe he deserved it. But then again he could be kinder. Besides he only held his hand and didn’t even try to kiss him. He gained a slight momentum of courage.

“James look there’s no need to shut me off completely I…” But then he suddenly felt James hand come in contact with his mouth, acting as a gag. Winn furrowed his brow in both confusion and distress. He made a great effort in pulling James hand away from his mouth not even realising that he was now gripping it tightly in his. What had seemed like such a bold movement a minute ago seemed like nothing now he was full of adrenaline from the almost kiss and the anger which also appeared out of the almost kiss.

“What are you doing?” Winn hissed. Although he felt the sweat climb down his forehead and a bad feeling form in the pit of his stomach. His eyes met with James once again but the warm complacent look had dripped away to be replaced by concentration and fear. James wanted to keep silent, want to remain undetected. There was something in there with them and it would have seen them by now. They sat for a moment simply hoping it was their imagination. Hoping they weren’t that couple in a car at the start of a horror movie, about to make out when the slime monster from the deep lagoon ate them.

Without warning they heard the hum from the generator preparing to turn on the back lights and a voice call from the shadows. 

“I’m sorry for interrupting Winslow but you know why I’m here.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> woo cliffhanger


	8. Too late to turn back now

There was a sharp stabbing pain in Winn's chest as the weight of the world fell down upon him. Everything seemed to be moving in slow motion, the hum of the generator still drowning out every clear thought he could produce. His head grew light and balanced out his heavy heart, this can't be happening. Not now. 

Jolting up from the somewhat uncomfortable bed Winn moved towards the glass barrier protecting him from whatever was out there. Pressing his hand against it, he tried to peer into the somewhat darkened room. Letting his horror movie instincts kick in. They were safe in the cell, only they had the key to get out. But god how he knew they weren't safe. The lights were flickering, building the suspense creating a dark output in the back of the room. He felt himself being dragged backward by a strong muscular hand.

"Winn watch out." It yelled. A lone bouncy ball rolled into view and hurtled toward the glass. Winn threw up his arms protecting his eyes just as the glass began to shatter, imprinting small gashes onto His skin, a thousand tiny needles implanting themselves onto him. Of course that was no ordinary ball rather another twisted invention. Then there was movement from the darkness underneath the only area yet to light up. He couldn’t move, he was frozen on the spot, eyes wide full of fear. A man appeared with a confident stride and an eerily happy smile. His hair, grey, was neatly combed down and his round orbed glasses made it hard to see his eyes through the reflection. 

"You always did know how to make an entrance." Winn said through a strained voice and clenched teeth. 

"Winslow my boy. Look at you." The man raised his hand in enthusiasm. “You lost the tie. Well that's a shame it looked good on you." He sighed inching closer his eccentric voice ringing in Winn's ear. "Well I suppose we could buy you a bow tie to replace it." 

"Dad you killed those guards...." he croaked unable to muster anything else. That was all he could think of anymore. When he saw the man stood in front of him there was no longer a connection between his childhood but of the news reports and the interrogation. Of the quartz and the fact that the one thing that can be explicitly seen as one of the most dangerous substances on the planet, was his weapon of choice.

"Shh its ok son don't worry about it right now. It will all make sense to you soon enough." His footsteps crunched and ground up the glass further. "We don't have much time." 

"W-what do you mean?" Winn’s eyes darted around the room, switching from the security cameras to the broken glass, to the door, to the panic button (Why did it have to be behind the supervillain). There was a desperate search to see if his father had brought an explosive with him, they don’t have much time. It wouldn’t exactly be out of his MO if he blew up the building with both of them inside because then at least they’d ‘die together’. A hot sweat began to climb and Winn was visibly shaking now. He felt like a catalyst as the earth began to break around him. 

“Before the sleeping gas I concocted to knock out the government agents in the building above proves it is no longer of use and we have to move to escape plan B.” he wetted his lips with his tongue and pulled it back to the roof of his mouth causing a clicking to emanate. “That would prove to be very… sticky.” 

Staring blankly at the man’s content face Winn began to feel sick. The bile rose in his stomach and a fever felt like it was forming. He was smiling how could he be smiling? Both Alex and J'onn would be up there as well as Vasquez, Demos and probably half a dozen more agents he'd never spoken to before, agents with families and friends people who would miss them. And with no way of contacting Kara this time. These people who have all in some way shape or form have impacted on his life, proven themselves to be heroes, to be good people who don't deserve to be hurt. And that's what was going to happen, if he didn't leave by the time they'd wake up, they were going to die. His father had proven himself to be more than capable of being a monster, killing without a second thought, trying to make Winn do the same so they could be linked. If the sleeping drug were to wear off there is no doubt that he'd have a weapon that would take down the whole of the DEO. 

A thin layer of options presented themselves to him, none of them good. All of them inconceivable to a person who hadn't been faced with danger before, but they were options. Either way he'd become the villain, whether he went with his dad to join his conquest or if he stayed behind and let innocents die. There was no way to look around it, he would become the bad guy. He would hurt people. He wanted so much to keep people safe, that's all ever wanted to do but now faced with his future it seemed like a childish fantasy. Feeling his fear swell and lip tremble he tried to stand tall. Prove that his father wouldn't break him, but he had already done that when he was 10. 

"Come on son it's time to leave." 

Despite the residing fear and despite consistent shaking Winn didn't move. He stood as if he were frozen on the spot, face drained of colour but still defiant. Through the tear stained cheeks and the heavy breathing Winn managed to snarl a few words "I'm not going anywhere with you." 

"Oh I do hate it when you don't do as you're told. If you come with me no one will be harmed." 

Winn faltered for a moment, eased his clenched jaw. The offer was almost tempting he had to register it twice before he shook his head again. He was lying. Of course he was lying. 

"He said he's not going with you." This time James spoke with a tone of spite and protection. For a moment despite their almost intimacy Winn forgot he was there.   
There was a sudden sensation in his hand as he felt James' fingers interlocking with his once again. They were warmer than expected and sent a pulsing heat throughout his body of reassurance and hope. He could feel his hand shaking against James' steadiness but the soft touch of his skin started to grind it to a haunt as he gripped tighter in a form of thanks. Their eyes met for a brief moment, for just how long Winn could safely look away from the man who would kill to get him back. 'We're in this together.' Played like an old record in his mind, bringing a sense of nostalgia despite it only being said a day ago. James was always going to be there for him, even now when faced with his murderous father. They stared intensely in to each others eyes searching for a plan or a sign as to how they would escape but they came up short. Winn tilted his head in a form of apology tear stains still glistening on his cheek it wasn't fair that James was in this mess. But James stood tall not letting him fall apart, he was his best friend, his life line, his guardian. 

"And who are you exactly?" It was the first time Toymans tone had been anything but overly joyful. 

"I'm not telling you anything." When he wanted to James could instantly become intimidating his tall muscular frame looming over Winn and his father, flexing, showing the fists of a superhero who takes down 5 criminals per night. The off handish tone doing nothing but aggravating the criminal in front of him. But Winn's father just stared back with an icy glare, his eyes almost dead with no real emotion.

"I have to say I don't like your friend very much." Winn inched closer to James in a protective stance as the Toyman drew closer still. 

"I didn't ask for your opinion." Winn's voice wavered spilling every part of bravery he had in order to add that comment. A sinister chuckle echoed off of the concrete walls whilst Toyman smirked.

"And here I was thinking I skipped the back chatting teenager stage." He paced from side to side not turning his attention away from his son even for a moment. "But... I suppose I must do what any good parent would do and get rid of the bad influence." Without warning there was a sharp change in his calm movement as he twisted his hand into a deeply lined pocket and pulled out a toy gun. Of course it wasn't actually a toy, but an invention one of which could probably kill any of them. With a sudden change in the game Winn's hand slipped from James' as he threw himself into an erratic state. James pushed forward as instinct kicked in trying to shield Winn from the ricocheting bullet that was sure to follow. But instead Winn pushed past him, he knew if James was the only thing standing between him and his father there was no doubt that he would be shot.

" No...no.. dad don't do this dad please look at me don't do this...." Winn's chest was rising rapidly he was almost hyperventilating, his voice high pitched and broken. "You've already killed enough people. Innocent people. Don't do it again. Please you'll regret I know if there's any part of good left in you that you'll regret it. Please." But there was no response other than a haunting laugh. Winn had to keep rolling his tongue, prolong the situation because maybe just maybe someone would come to their rescue or James could edge just close enough to a weapon that would save them. He gulped and tried to swallow his emotions but they just kept flowing.   
"I don't want to be with you. I don't ever want to be with you not like this. Never like this." But his father did nothing but keep the gun fixed forward. There was not an inch of sympathy to be seen in the ice filled eyes and the Cheshire grin. 

"It's ok son, I know he's the one who has you thinking like this but as soon as he's gone..." but there was a sudden defiance from Winn as he interrupted his father long conducted speech and trigger happy finger.

"No dad no." He almost shouted before silencing himself in fear of his own rage being released and that of his fathers " This is me, this is all me. I don't want to be with you, be your son." He felt his speech speed up and the tone of desperation hit, searching deep inside for any solution that would save him from losing the person he cared about most. "Hand yourself in. Prove to me you really want to be my dad. That you don't prefer being some some supervillain and I-I- I'll visit you more. Write you letters anything...." there was a tune of desperation, Winn didn't want this, he didn't want to lay his eyes upon his father ever again. He wanted to eliminate him from his mind and his heart but options were wearing thin, he knew that in some form of derangement his dad thought he still loved him the way he used to. That it was them against the world and that everyone else was keeping him prisoner but that was anything but the case. But Winn knew that he was his weak spot. If he could provide any part of himself as a bargaining chip for James' life he would do it. But he could feel James gaze on him, almost feel his eyes pleading to stop. 

"Winn don't..." he heard him whisper knowing that James wouldn't want him to risk anything for him. Because James was a hero and that's what heroes do. But Winn pretended that he couldn't hear him over his own muffled sobs, that he couldn't see him move closer through his tear stung eyes.

"I'll be your son again. Just Please don't hurt him. I- I lo..."

“You what love him?” his tone was patronising and cruel. Winn could feel a knot promptly tie itself in his throat, a feeling of dread wash over him as he became stiff with panic. His face somehow began to redden through his pale exterior already formed from his fear. How did he even know that, how could he read him like a book. Like someone who spent time with him on a daily basis. He didn’t know a thing about him. He heard a crack in his voice box as he tried to speak but nothing formed. He couldn’t bear to turn to look at James, to see that look of shock or confusion. But he couldn’t suddenly deny it either because once it was out there it was impossible to. It had already indented itself on both of their minds and not matter what he said James would always know there had to be some truth behind it. Besides like James always said he is a terrible liar so he couldn’t pretend even if he wanted to. But for some reason Winn didn’t feel James move from his close protective stance next to him. 

His father shook his head slightly before throwing up his hands exuberantly. “He is nothing more than an obstacle in the way of your true path. You’re a genius Winn yet you’re stuck here in a job that is almost as droll as that media company. You’re intellect is far beyond that of average man.” At that comment he locked eyes with James for a moment and smirked to get a reaction but James simply smiled back in a form of defiance not easily defeated by the Toymans low blows. “ Don’t you see it Winslow how much more you could be if you just come with me. We’re connected you and I like two components on a circuit board or two puzzle pieces that fit together perfectly. You’re destined for greatness Winn. Were destined for greatness.” 

Then suddenly Winn felt himself pull away from James he didn't exactly want to but he had reached his boiling point all his fear and sadness evaporated leaving nothing but rage "We're not destined for anything." He spat. Winn carefully moved forward but his father remained calm his smile still not fading. Not registering that this pain, this anger was in fact directed towards him. Still remaining in a fantasy that Winn was still that little boy who admired everything he did.

"Come with me Winn and we can be together like a father and son should be. Nobody else has to die today. I’ll even try my best to avoid your friends heart when I shoot him." Winn inched ever so closer, wiped away the tears with the palm of his hand swallowing hard and concentrating on his breathing pattern. He turned to James one last time, took one last look with a feeling of instant regret he didn't want to do this. James shook his head slowly but not because he thought Winn was betraying him but because he knew exactly what Winn was going to attempt. He placed one foot forward determined to stop him, Winn wasn’t going to throw away his life for him, but the click of the gun sounded and rang throw the hollow walls the bullet ready to be released if James moved again. He stood blankly, it was James who was breathing heavier now in frightened anticipation of what was to come. He would've given anything to switch places with Winn right now. 

Now he was only inches away, the belly of the beast as some may say. His father peering directly at him, admiring his handy work, believing that he was still his creation. That he had fallen to his temptation. Winn tried to smile as if he were some badass hero still defiant of the rules but he couldn’t. He was breaking in side, his hands were trembling and his vision blurry. He still remembered the Christmases, the toys his father would make especially for him, how he promised to teach him too someday. But now looking at him, at the shadow of the man he once was, at how far he had fallen from being Winn’s hero to nothing more than a murderer, Winn couldn’t help but feel sick. Feel sick at the fact they share the same genes that they’re the same height, have the same intellect, that they share anything in common. He wanted to cry out and let the tears fall once more, but instead he firmly pressed his lips shut allowing his father to gaze on him for a moment before doing something incredibly stupid and what was it that James had called him brave?

It all happened so quickly before Winn knew it he had worked up enough momentum or courage to lunge himself forward with every piece of bottled up anger he had. He toppled over his father slamming him directly on to the ground a large sigh of anger bursting from the older man’s mouth. There was an intense struggle both fairing badly for separate reasons, either age or fear drawing them back. As the slid over the broken glass Winn felt the adrenaline pulsing through his veins, this wasn’t even about him anymore or about him saving James it was about all those people who’d lost so much because of his selfish actions, it was about bringing him into justice and making sure he didn’t have a reason to escape ever again, it was about showing him that he wasn’t his puppet or his creation but his own person, it was about his mom, about his ruined childhood, about… then suddenly a gunshot echoed throughout the vicinity. The gun toppled to the floor with a clang and everything went dark.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> woo even worse cliffhanger


	9. Take my hand

He wasn't fast enough. Despite being a part time vigilante he wasn't fast enough. It was all over within a few seconds, barely time to get his footing, comprehend what was unfolding in front of him. James stood frozen to the spot, dread and fear swirling in his stomach. His vision blurred and the ringing of the barrel pounded in his head. A single bullet fell almost in slow motion to the ground, chiming as it hit the concrete. There was little clarity to exactly what happened, no distinction between the two bodies in front of him. James’ temperature rose rapidly in a form of panic and confusion. Swallowing his saliva, heart pumping heavily in his chest. But it was only a matter of moments before the result became clear.

"Shit." Winn cried out in pain. "He shot me." His shout was high pitched and squeal with disbelief to his tone. James' eyes darted to the now prominent red stain spreading like wildfire on his navy blue shirt. Winn grasped at his shoulder as his knees became weak and he slid to the ground. A hole had formed just past his bone an arteries making a clear cut straight though his body. His heavy breathing chewed on James conscience, he wasn't dying but he was by no means fine either. 

Without a second thought James feet were carrying him as fast as they could to come to his aid. But Toyman was rising from his crouched position on the floor, brushing off glass from his cotton coat nonchalantly like nothing had happened.

"Winn how could you?" His enthusiasm still sparked from deep down, not disappointed in the slightest. "If you just did as you were told..." He shook his head staring deeply as if Winn had drawn on the wall with crayon rather than got himself shot. "I wouldn't have to travel with an injured man...well no matter." But before he could start his next sentence there was a sudden disturbance From James the man he had almost forgot was there. 

"Hey asshole." He shouted with great exuberance before his fist collided with Toymans jaw wiping the smirk off of his smug ignorant face. Without a second to respond he fell backwards crashing to the ground, out cold. As James stood staring at the man piled on the floor, peaceful in his sleep, it caused an unsure motion in the pit of his stomach. How could one man cause so much damage? But he had little time to answer before he was rushing to be at Winn's side. He was crumbled against a beam in the centre of the room, he had turned paler and his eyes were wider. 

"Winn." Was the only word he could manage to muster. But Winn didn't respond he just sat breathing heavily trying to not to think about the intense pain pressing down upon him. James allowed time to think for a moment. "We need to add pressure to the wound to stop you bleeding out." Winn nodded weakly in reply . James eyes darted around the room searching for something anything he could use but he was unsuccessful in his search. 

Sighing heavily he began to tear the sleeves from his own overpriced shirt. As he ripped carefully along the seams Winn mumbled something along the lines of "Gun show. Nice." But instantly regretting it, talking hurt more than he expected. And despite his drowsiness he knew that was embarrassing. James laughed a little at his comment still filled with dread but at least Winn was of sound mind. Complimenting his muscles was something Winn normally could be found doing, which come to think of it should have crossed James' mind as maybe him not feeling the bro on bro relationship He was striving to achieve. And maybe Winn feeling a similar attraction to what he did.

Producing the piece of crumpled up fabric James gently pressed it on Winn's wound causing noises of stifled pain to fall from his clenched jaw.   
"Sorry man I know this really really hurts but you're going to have to bare it for a while whilst I get help. You think you can do that for me?" Winn nodded air escaping his lungs as James released the pressure slightly. Softly as possible James took Winn's right hand and rubbed his thumb over it loosely, Winn broke out a small a fragile smile only lasting a few moments before the over whelming pain and sadness filled him again. Gently James pressed Winn’s hand on his wound to give him time to journey to the panic button that despite close now seemed so far a few moments ago. James let his eyes linger on Winn for moment, just to reassure himself that he was going to be ok. 

James skidded towards the wall and grinded to halt and throwing his hand against the wall to stop himself from falling. He smashed the large pulsating panic button a couple of times due to his own impatience. After a few moments the speaker besides it rung out. 

Hello? James? Winn?" It was Alex. She was alive and safe and James felt a new notion of thanks fall upon him. 

"Yes it's me. Its James." He spat in a rush.

"Thank god it’s good to hear your voice. I got a call that the DEO had been attacked, I got here soon as I could. Is everything ok down there?" James eyes flickered to Winn for a moment who was sitting there complacent trying not to pay too much attention to pool of bloods forming down his back. 

"Toyman broke in. He tried to kill me and shot Winn." A twinge of guilt formed in his stomach why couldn’t that bullet have missed, why couldn’t it be him enduring that pain.

"He's not..." a tone of shock and fear rung through Alex. 

James cut in quickly. Speaking in basic syllables in a matter of urgency "No he's fine he's breathing just a shoulder injury but he still probably needs urgent medical attention."

"Ok I'll be down as quick as I can. We're just clearing the remaining gas from the atmosphere." James suddenly heard Alex’s tone changed as she shouted at some agent in the background before continuing. "Keep him company and make sure he stays awake." The conversation faded as Alex cut her communications dead. 

James was back at Winn's side within seconds. "Hey." He said in a tender a tone. "You ok?"

"Just a little shot." Winn whispered back somehow the pain he was feeling wasn't prominent in his words rather there was a twinge of happiness through everything finally being over. James recognised the line from a few months back and smiled to himself. Winn always seemed to remember his cockiness.

Placing his hand carefully in Winn's hair James began to run his fingers through the knots to ease the tension and to provide comfort. It was still so soft despite everything. "Alex says I need to keep you awake and talking okay?" But Winn barely noticed his casual affection, he had other things on his mind, so James decided to remove it quickly. 

"You talked to Alex?" Winn shuffled to sit up a bit straighter, clenching his jaw not to release a sound of pain despite everything going numb anyway. "She is going to kill me I got blood all over her nice clean floor." 

James chuckled shaking his head at the fact Winn still managed to crack him up even when severely injured. 

"Not if I kill you first." He said in the kindest way possible. "What made you think it was a smart move to tackle your dad to the ground." Winn's eyes flickered to floor as he tilted his head a little in embarrassment.

"I didn't think I guess. Maybe it was the fear, rage, adrenaline I don't know. I just wanted to make sure you didn't get hurt. I wouldn't have been able to live with myself if...." but his words ceased at this point. His gaze switched to James his eyes were red and blood shot but there was still a little bit of light shining through. The tears still staining his cheeks. "But don't act like you wouldn't do the same for me although I would 10/10 not recommend." He smiled wide this time, his teeth shining through and his nose wrinkling in confirmation of his somewhat oddly placed happiness. Grateful at what he didn't lose despite the pain he had to endure. 

"I guess you've got me there." His gaze dropped and Without warning he began to remove Winn's hand carefully from his wound with his own right hand and then replace it with his left. Before long he was rubbing his thumb across Winn's now bloodied palm in a circular motion barely noticing that he was doing it at all. Almost getting lost whilst staring into Winn's eyes he felt his heartbeat rise and a voice inside telling him that this was it. Allowing his grip to tighten on Winn's hand, feeling his touch travel through his skin and making his hairs stand on end James felt a rush of courage suddenly present itself. He bit down hard on his lip ready to ask the question that had been chewing away at him for the last 5 minutes. "What your father said about being in lov..." but of course Winn interrupted his cheeks flashing red with embarrassment 

"He didn't know what he was talking about." He tried to sound as cool and calm as possible but James knew. Winn Schott was a terrible liar and this just confirmed his feelings completely. And yet James could feel a slip in his own self-assurance believing that everything that Winn's gone through he may not feel the same anymore. That the torment he's been pushed into may have made him uncertain about anything and everything. But then James didn't have to do much more than look at Winn to know that he was coming to some form of realisation about them. That he hadn't let go of his hand the entire time they'd been talking. That the way he had playful ruffled his hair wasn't a simple mistake. That a spark of happiness came to his features whenever Winn smiled. And maybe there was a reason to why his blind date wasn't as important as spending time with him. Winn furrowed his brow in confusion still overcome with pain and grief yet searching for a sign. James knew he had to be the one to admit his feelings especially after everything that had happened.  
With his heart in his throat and a false sense of confidence James finally found himself whispering "That's a shame because I would have said that I felt the same way"  
Then Winn's face froze in sheer disbelief like James was toying with his emotions. But as he looked deeper he could see that it was true. His eyes grew wider and mouth fell open before curving into a smile full of so much joy that it would be hard to believe he was bleeding profusely. 

"Wait you like me as in more than best bros forever love me?" He stuttered slightly, as his nerves became more apparent. This meant so much to him. If it hadn't been for the pain it could cause James would have kissed him right there and right then. Instead he produced a nod and a heartfelt grin. He was sure Winn was going to lose his cool at any moment which really wouldn't be good for his injury but instead he laughed 

"Oh James Olsen." His tone had a hint of confidence and humour about it "confessing that to a man on his death bed is just cruel" James threw his head back and gazed at the ceiling beaming before his eyes dropped back down 

"Winn You're not dying." James bit the inside of his cheek trying to contain the many beautiful emotions brewing inside him right now. Winn locked eyes with James they were gleaming and seemed less full of dread than before. He passed his tongue over his upper lip and James' breathing grew heavier fixated on its movement. 

"Oh good that's very good. Both things are very very good." Winn mumbled, his mind seemed vacant like he was concentrating on something more important.   
But before anything else could happen between them their attention was drawn to the sudden slam and clatter of the heavy weighted door bashed against the wall. Winn peered towards the kid as James turned sharply his nerves riling up once again.

"Thank god you’re both ok." Alex said with a weary tone. Her boots echoed clearly on the concrete, and shattered the remaining glass from the broken window. She was followed in by 3 large guards, as well as a petite man in his 20s and a pale woman who he had come to know as deo medics. Barely taking note of the Toyman laying crumpled on the ground breathing heavily in a deep slumber Alex and the medics ambled towards them. 

"Ok Stevens get a good look at that wound for me." She said without a second thought. Going straight into doctor mode without giving herself time to breath. The pale girl, Stevens, carefully pulled away James' hand that was still procured on the shirt sleeve to stop the bleeding. For a moment James didn't want to let go just in case everything suddenly went wrong, he felt safe like he was somehow protecting Winn from bleeding out. She examined it closely whilst the young male shadowed her, Alex quickly turned her attention to her two friends. A face of seriousness but also if relief. 

"So you tried to be badass and took bullet. I don't know whether to hug you or punch you." She said tilting her head, not revealing her sincerity. 

"Neither please. They'd both probably really hurt right now." He winced and groaned with pain as the girl placed her gloved finger around the edge of his bullet hole. She looked towards Alex and nodded. 

"Ok it looks like you've been very lucky. The bullet missed all your vitals by millimetres. I just need you to stay still for a little while longer whilst we make sure it's fine to move you." 

"I can do th..." his sentence was cut short with his own muffled pain. But then out of the corner of his eye he saw his father being pulled up by two of the armed guards. He looked just like a rag doll, if that wasn't symbolism he didn't know what was. His eyes dropped, still unable to watch his father being carted away. He had shot him, caused him so much pain and yet at the end of the day he was still his father and he couldn't bear to see him be taken away again, it just triggered far too many of his childhood memories. The ones he'd spent so much time and therapy trying to forget. He felt James hand move up and down his functional arm he was staring at the doorway, at the Toyman not Winn's father being brought into custody. But soon his eyes met back with Winn's and he showed a slightly broken smile, Winn responded similarly. 

"James are you ok?" Alex asked realising she had paid little attention to man who was apparently one shirt sleeve down. James said nothing for a second or two they were safe, Winn would live and he had discovered something wonderful in all the heartache. As his hand met with Winn's again he shot her a happy content look. 

"I am now."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I guess Winns shot (waka waka)
> 
> Anyway I don't know how bullets work and how being shot works I spent a little while trying to find good sources but there wasn't a whole lot of stuff on how much it hurt but apparently shoulder injuries aren't the worst and anyway I don't know why I care so much because Eddie got shot a couple of times by a bad guy in the flash and was back at work the next episode.
> 
> also there wont be an upload sunday because im on holiday and don't know what my internet will be like so sorry but theres only a little left to go now.


	10. How could I not be in love with you

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry I'm late but enjoy the last chapter

The blinding light peered through his eyelids, a deep red glow appeared as he felt himself become attentive to his surroundings. His skin prickled with warmth, the heat from the rough blanket he was wrapped in hit him with knowledge that he was no longer in the cold dingy cell. Freeing his eyelids from each other Winn looked up to see the luminous lighting of the hospital wing of the deo. Then within a matter of moments deep crystal blue eyes were staring at him, wide and joyful. 

"Winn. You're ok!" Kara Danvers chirped, her eyebrows raising with excitement. It took some time for Winn to gain his bearings, his throat was dry and he felt a lightness in his body. Raising his head slightly he squinted his eyes and turned to face his bandaged shoulder. Right that's what happened.

"Define ok." He croaked with a small but appreciative smile on his face. He saw Kara glance at his wound and laugh under her breath in embarrassment.

“Youre not dead.” She shrugged her shoulders in a cute innocence, ponytail bobbing over one shoulder. Winn scrunched up his nose a little in fondness of his friend and how her almost constant cheer seemed to brighten the room .Karas bubbliness and out going nature was something Winn envied. How could some one save the world on a daily basis and still be so energetic and enthusiastic about everything in life, hell he got tired climbing stairs. And plus she was naturally likeable and charismatic, she only had to say a word and people were already wanting to be her friend. Where as Winn he'd worked on his people skills for a the last decade and was only left with a corn chip, tissue and nickle on his friends list. His casual awkwardness and lack of adult conversation was often off putting to his coworkers but luckily he met an alien who saw this as quirky and a fitting trait for a friend. And then from there Karas bright personality radiated on to him fooling people into thinking he was somewhat good buddy material and in all honesty he couldn’t thank her enough. With out Kara getting a job at CatCo he may never have gained the family he always dreamed of when he was locked away in his room as a kid and without a super in national city he may never have met James Olsen.

Winn began to push himself up on his hands, it was hard and his bones ached like he'd run a half marathon . “Ohhh everything hurts.” He winced, although he was definitely on a high dose of morphine because no way would he only be somewhat uncomfortable after being this heavily injured.

"A bullet will do that to you. That's the joy of being a kryptonian the bullets bounce straight off." She began to lean against the bed arms in a twist pursing her lips into a smug little grin. That was enough talking about his human mortality. 

"Talking of the house of el shouldn't you be fighting the bad guys with your cousin right now?" The more he spoke the less he felt like shit.

"Oh no pfft you're much more important." She threw her hand up in a nonchalant manner. But Winn knew Kara too well.

"Really? Much more important than a city full of 1000s of innocent civilians in need of a hero?" 

Kara shifted in the crease of the hospital bed before pushing her glasses up with her forefinger.

"Well maybe we were just finishing up when I got the call you'd been shot..." she looked no where in particular in a sense of purity and humour. Winn just rolled his eyes, not taking the slightest bit of offence. 

"So err did Clark mention me?" He murmured in a playful lovestruck tone. A goofy smile appearing on his face as he rested his head on his hand joint to his fully functioning arm. Kara shook her head biting her tongue forcing herself not to laugh. 

"He said you were very brave and to get well soon." She said simply and sweetly. Winn couldn't help but blush a little, his crush on superman had faded since they'd last met but he was still very much his biggest fan. And it made Kara smile to see him red, to see him content. She felt something nagging at her to become sincere for a moment. "Because it was brave What you did, standing up to your father, taking a bullet. You're a hero Winn." Somehow despite Kara being right, that his courage had possessed him to do what he did, that a form of bravery must have taken control it still felt wrong. To be labelled as brave, he had spent so long thinking himself a coward that the word churned in his stomach. He wasn't brave Kara was brave, Alex was brave.... James was brave he was just Winn. But he smiled and nodded politely a mumble of thanks spilled out. Even after all he had been through there was still that thought at the back of his mind telling that being a coward like his father was all he'd ever be no matter what he did to prove otherwise. With that absence of fulfilment in his heart he looked thoughtfully towards Kara, not wanting to seem rude but itching to ask. 

"Is James... is James ok?" The words fell from his lips in a form of a whisper. She beamed an all knowing smile at him as her cheeks tinted with cheer. In all honesty he was a little frightened. 

"Why don't you ask him yourself."

Winn's ears pricked up as he peered at the dimly lit hall way just in view. Kara was obviously using her super sonic hearing or something in order to predict his arrival. Either that or the bullet had caused his vision and hearing to be very selective. 

"Wait where's James?" He said anxiously craning his neck to peer through the door. 

"James is here." The handsomely tall man said cooly as he entered through the door. Winn's smile grew wider, hoping that the last conversation he had wasn't some form of hallucination he had due to pain. 

"Hey you." He whispered lovingly before it was brought to his attention that Alex too had walked in with him. "...guys. Hey you guys.wassssup ?" Choking on nothing Winn swallowed the little pride he had remaining. Alex promptly realising that Winn was acting flustered rolled her eyes and procured a place leaning against a wall at the back of the room.

Carefully James moved towards the small metal bed and sat lightly on the edge causing a loud creek to admit from the base. James was in a tight tshirt which hugged his chest, obviously a size or two too small, and grey sweat pants which also looked pretty short. Dark circles had formed under his eyes and his bright shining grin was weaker than usual. It looked like he hadn't slept. 

"You look terrible." Winn breathed his impulsive thoughts breaking free. That's not polite Winn.

"Thanks you too." He didn't seem offended at all but just glad to hear his voice. And in all honesty he probably did look terrible and pale and sweaty and overall just sick. 

"Mr hero over there hasn't slept since before you were brought in." Alex paused. 

"Wait since 4am?" James just nodded like it was no big deal. "Dude you need to sleep." His voice was strained as he stretched to slap James' arm in a form of endearment.

"It's fine I'm good right here." Why did James have to pretend he was so resilient to any form of physical problem. A little shot? That still made him laugh. Winn had being staring shyly at James' beautiful beautiful face for such a long time now that he hadn't realised that James was carrying something. James was grasping at a paper bag between his fingers. A brightly painted purple logo was set against the brown background.

"Oh no way you bought me stress donuts?" This was it, Winn thought, this was the deal seller. Nothing else could make Winn love James anymore. He bit his lip in utter admiration and looked wistfully into his eyes. He noticed James shifting slightly to face him more directly, teeth now gleaming under the glaring hospital lights. 

"No eating them right away. Doctors orders." Alex piped up from her observing position with that strict tone Winn was so scared of. He looked to her a moment, the corner of his mouth wavering not knowing whether to smile because he wasn’t sure if she was joking. She definitely wasn’t joking.

“Booo.” He shouted hoarsely as if Alex was the bad guy in a panto performance. Sighing James placed the bag onto the side table with the small collection of flowers he had received. Winn had noted their presence earlier during the short bursts of time where he'd wake only to fall back to sleep again within a minute, not enough time to remember anything. This was the first time in hours he'd been able to remain awake and fully attentive, although a little zoned out due to the high dose of morphine. But now he could make a list as to who to thank for the gifts Vasquez, Brian aaannnnd that was it. Of course that was it. But it didn’t matter because at the end of the day his family,his real family, his friends and everyone he cared about where either in this hospital room or had at least provided him some support during this whole endeavour (he couldn’t really blame j'onn or Maggie for not being there) and that was all that mattered. To have people who cared about him and not some falsified pretend care like his father dreamt up.

 

The air seemed to grow dense and Winn tried his hardest to look somewhat comfortable despite having a tube running from his arm and being draped in some loose hospital gown. There was a shift in his positioning as Kara lifted from his bedside releasing some of the weight that pushed down upon it. She moved towards her sister and smiled expectantly. Winn eyes followed her for only a second before drawing his attention back to James who had now procured a larger space on his bed. His eyes became fixated on James' broad chest breathing in and out lightly, a sense of relaxation washed over Winn to see him calm. But then he fell to James' lips which were pursed in a perplexed pose as if he was contemplating something. Winn knew for certain that their conversation from last night wasn't a dream but somehow He still felt every form of instinct telling him to shut off from this situation. To flight rather than fight. But then he realised that James' hand was resting upon his thigh. That this wasn't just in his head or something his imagination had dreamed up. The slight touches and thoughtful gestures weren't that of a friend anymore but someone who cared a lot deeper. And the way James looked at him with wide eyes and a warm smile reminded him of the way Alex and Maggie would look at each other. This wasn't his imagination. This was real at least in this moment. 

There was still a voice inside of him to not over step his mark, to push back and keep his feelings under lock and key. A nagging but away at his stomach telling him that he was making a mistake but he could feel himself fight against that feeling. He could feel himself becoming braver. He was brave now. Pacing his thoughts and his breathing he swallowed his nerves and turned ever so slightly so James was staring directly at him. He felt a bead of sweat form on his forehead but he ignored it to collect his thoughts. His eyes flickered from James' eyes to his lips and he grew braver still. Holding his breath for a moment longer he finally worked up the courage to ask something that had resided in the pit of his stomach for such a long time.

"After I get the all clear from Alex." He breathed. " do you maybe wanna grab some coffee." Realising he hasn't fully made his statement clear he continued to fumble over his words. "As in just the two of us, just me and you as more than friends coffee... a..a..." he held his breath before finally finding the last strand of courage inside of him. "What I mean is... do you want to go on a date? With me?" He scrunched up his eyes in an instant almost as if he were making a wish, unable to open them in fear that the answer would be no. Was the answer no? James hadn't spoken since, he carefully let his eyes fall open in order to face the reality of the situation. He peered over to Alex and Kara one of which had a wide smile and appeared to be ready to burst with joy at any moment, the other seemed slightly confused but over all unmoved. Then finally his vision averted to James who wasn't frowning but wasn't smiling either. Winn felt that twinge of regret like he had messed everything up again. "Or not. I mean it's up to you. We don't have to go for coffee or we could just not go at all. Let's pretend I never asked... let's pretend none of this..." but then Winn's sentence was cut short as something came into contact with his mouth. Winn furrowed his brow in confusion before realising that James' lips were interlocked with his. James Olsen was kissing him. His form of nervousness suddenly fell away gaining more confidence in his ability he kissed back. Despite having little strength in his upper body Winn pushed forward so he was in a tighter embrace. Their lips brushed past one another clumsily, James wrapped his fingers around the back of Winn's head to keep him steady. Winn could feel a warmth spill through his chest and his heart beat rise. Their dreariness still managing to light a fuse and send sparks flying. But as he pressed harder Winn suddenly felt a twinge of pain spike through him, his eyes falling open he drew away slightly to breathe but still remained inches from James' face.

"Ow my bullet hole." He laughed stifling the pain that was barely there. James chuckled but pulled back fearing he was too forward but Winn raised his good arm and stroked the globe of his cheek slowly and carefully with his thumb. 

"That didn't mean I wanted to stop." Passing his tongue over the edge of his teeth Winn smiled his goofy smile slightly crooked but so sincere. He breathed deeply before leaning in once again. This time he took the lead, the kiss wasn't as rough as he was used but soft and delicate, the fear he would hurt himself if he were any harder. He cautiously bit down on James' lower lip whilst James entangled his fingers in his hair. The rest of the world fell away as Winn felt James nose press close to his. For a moment he forgot about his wound, that he was in a hospital, that he could have died, he forgot his father and how he ruined his life, he forgot everyone and everything except James, the only thing still prominent in his mind. But then he heard a mumble of words and remembered they weren't alone but that they actually had a form of audience. 

"Anyway Maggie called she wants see me and supergirl so we better get going." Alex's words were rushed and monotone trying hard not to bring any attention to herself. In a abrasive manoeuvre she grabbed Karas wrist but not before Kara said 

"Wait but you weren't on the phone...." no sooner than the words left her mouth the penny dropped and she realised why in fact they had to leave. Their lips parted once again Winn was almost in a fit of giggles realising just now that they weren't the only ones in the room. He threw his hand up and waved blindly in front of him in a rushed motion to confirm that he heard them. Twisting his palm into a thumbs up he ensured that he was happy with the outcome and he assumed that Kara gave a thumbs up back. After all the girl of steel must have seen how much he was in love with James even before he did. Not parting their face away from each other even for a moment they waited until their friends footsteps echoed out of the room the corridor adjacent. Winn pursed his lips in thought still unable to comprehend the series of events that led to that declaration of love unfolding. He stared for a moment his heart swelling with joy deciding he was still exhausted Winn lowered himself back to his lying position James interlocked their hands once again as they sat in a blissful silence. 

"You know." Winn began. "If I had known you dug battle scars this much I would have got one ages ago." They both laughed, James' smile emanating light. 

"Well you did look pretty cool out there I have to admit." 

"Cooler than you?" 

"Nah man nobody looks cooler than me." Without releasing the joy from his face Winn shuffled to the side awkwardly, slightly tangled in wires, but leaving enough space for James to position himself next to him. Manouvering expertly, Winn cautiously rested his head on James' shoulder and allowed himself to breath. He felt James' slight movement and the brush of fingers against his. It felt tranquil, felt calm. Like the storm had passed too quickly and that he was still in Oz. But laying there so close to James, the feel of their lips pressing together still so present in his mind it didn't matter. It didn't matter what came next because in this moment he was happy. His father was gone, he wasn't sure for how long but he was gone. And Winn was grateful, grateful that the while situation didn't end worse. A bullet wound was nothing compared to the other horrors his dad had caused. The nagging that he was his fathers son still remained in the back of his mind, it always would, yet in this moment it still didn't matter. All that mattered was feeling his head press against James' warmth, the silence that meant he could feel his heart beat. 

"Hey James." Winn muttered mouth barely opening. 

"yes Winn?" He replied his voice some how causing Winn's heart to jump in his chest. 

"Thanks for always sticking by me." 

"That's ok." there was a long silence as Winn could feel his body grew lighter, ready to drift Into a dream but he had to say something first. 

"And James."

"Yes Winn?" He could feel James' body relax a little, making him feel safe and protected like nothing could hurt him or stop him not even his own fear. 

"I love you." 

"I love you too." James replied without skipping a beat. Winn's mouth curved into a small smile as he finally felt his eyes close and fall into a deep sleep, turning from the darkness and into the light.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I feel bad because I was going write an epilogue but a lot of things have caught up with me recently and I haven't had any motivation or time to write. I literally wrote the first 9 chapters in 2 weeks but it took me over a month to write the last and I knew if I were to promise an epilogue it would never get out. 
> 
> Well anyway.... Thank you all so much for your constant support and your kind kind comments on this fic. This has been the longest story I've written and I hope you enjoyed reading it. I'm not sure how long it'll be until I start writing again but until then stay awesome.

**Author's Note:**

> \------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
> 
> My aim is to upload every Wednesday and Sunday until the whole fic is finished. (although I may get a tad behind on occasion)
> 
> I hope you enjoy reading it because both of these characters and this ship are very close to my heart.
> 
> Also let me know what you're thinking in the comments it would truly make a big difference to my boring, boring life.


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